Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
I Love To Love What I Love
I remember one of the funniest things I ever said on a date with Grant. I say funny as if I am actually funny or something, but my husband got a kick out of this one. We were talking about things that we love.
Our Weekly Date Night
These last 4 years since you died, have been really tough on me. Because of that, I’ve been really angry at you, mostly for leaving me here, alone and to take care of things. It’s left me feeling betrayed and abandoned by you. So I’ve pushed you away. Please forgive me.
Date Nights with Grant
Dear Grant,
These 4 years since you died have been tough on me. I’ve been really angry at you and mostly for leaving. I’ve felt betrayed and abandoned by you, so I’ve pushed you away. Forgive me, I want to remember the good times.
I Really Loved You
I really loved you Grant. I did. It’s not that I don’t have love for you. I do. I just realized that the love I once had for you is changed, but it was real when it was what it once was. It was deep, as deep as one can love another.
Slam Rod Fire Starter Love Letter for Grant
You’ve got the voice in this one, your recording voice. That’s what we called it. It took time to develop it, but it’s a noticeable difference from the first videos. I used to tease you when we relistened to those first videos. You sounded so cute though.
Ninja Balls Love Letter
This is what started it all… it’s not the first video listed on TKOR; but it’s the first video we did that began our life of making videos. We did this project first in the backyard of our neighbors house. We didn’t have a backyard of our own yet.
Training Up a Child Part III
As I trained the new grapevines, I could almost hear, ‘just remember Janae, remember where you came from. Remember this blood, our family, you, me; who we are, and how I am with you.’
Critic or Magic
I used to be so critical of myself. This picture, after we took it, I remember thinking how frumpy I thought I was. My hair frizzy and not done, my clothes baggy, my back hunched, my elbows chubby and no make up on. I hated how I looked in those pictures.
Paradox
I look at my little boys. I want to give them everything I have. I want to always be there for them. Even though I know that’s impossible and ridiculous, I try. It’ll be three years in just a few months that their father, my husband and lover will have been gone. I continue to feel the loss.
Learning My Place
I’ve learned that ‘Love’ begins with me. And how I love, is on my terms…. and my love may not look the way you see love. It may not feel like love sometimes either; but I know what I’m giving. It may not be what you think love is; but I’m operating from the love within me.
Love is a Wild Thing
Love is a wild thing. No really. A WILD THING. It’s amusing to me how it seems that so few people really understand something we are all continually seeking to find. A desire so dear and tender to the heart; love, acceptance, belonging, hope, in a relationship with another… Love.
A Fight
My son got into a fight at school. He was suspended for a couple days. “Boys fight, it’s a part of growing up,” they say. It’s a part of human nature to fight. Fighting is conflict. I saw the fight and I saw two little boys, two humans with the objective of inflicting pain on the other.
Flowers For Mom
My son comes in with flowers for mom. Dandelions. That beautiful bouquet of dandelions! My heart melts each time I see it. And to have that little plastic heart ring around one of the stems is so precious. Then when I look at him, he’s just gorgeous. I am biased, yes, I know. I’m his mom. So I will be and it’s ok.
Do I still love Grant?
Do Still love Grant? That’s easy, no. I don’t. I sure don’t feel it anyway. Part of that is out of sight out of mind and that is exacerbated by him dying the way he did. Part of it is me wanting to punish him for it by forgetting him because I felt he forgot about me by leaving me the way he did. I feel like he abandoned his boys.
Unconditional Love
This little sign, it was a Valentine gift from one of my best friends. It’s April. We have that kind of relationship. I’ll take a Valentine's gift any day of the year. I don’t expect anything on Valentines from her nor her from me, but we can give gifts any time and it’s beautiful to receive.
Hearts Everywhere
I see hearts everywhere now. WHY? Well, as I walked away from the site where Grant crashed, Grant told me he’d send me hearts so I’d know he was watching over me. He wanted me to know he was still loving me, even now that he’s not in this place where I am. “Every time you see a heart, it’s from me,” were the words that came into my heart and mind from him while I was visiting the site of his last place alive and first place dead.
