I Remember He Wasn’t There

Grant was in Salt Lake, the place he chose to leave.  I was in Hurricane where he had moved our family, in the beautiful red rocks of Southern Utah.  He went back for SIV training.  It’s advanced paragliding training.  It’s the kind of training that’s supposed to give him extra refined skills and time to practice those skills needed in an emergency.  The kind of skills that should save your life in an emergency.  The kind of skills that should make it so you don’t die paragliding.  He took that training 6 weeks before he died.  

I don’t think it helped much. 

Since he was going to be gone for a week, I thought I’d venture out with all four of my boys to explore the beauty of the place he’d been drawn to so deeply.  The place he said he wanted to stay forever; well, I guess in a way he will be in this place forever. I was in his forever place while he went back to the colder place he said he never wanted to live in again. He went to the place that was so hard for me to say goodbye to, to come here. It was odd that I was there without him when it was his preference, not mine. 

This was my first time out after moving to our new house and the first taste of life with all four of my kids without Grant, so it was kind of a big deal for me.  I’d rather stay home with all four of my children.  I can do that all day with Grant here or not.  Why?  It’s not because I’m a homebody, well, not really.  I mean I love being at home, but I love to go out too. I especially love being outdoors. 

What I don’t love is to go out with 4 boys all by myself.  It takes time and effort to get them ready, out the door and manage all the squabbles that come up as we travel, and the behavior that needs to be corrected in public… ahhh, it’s not fun!  It feels like it takes just as long and takes just as much energy to go to as it does to do the activity.

It’s much easier to contain them at home where we’re all comfortable and can go in all directions. They can behave as they please to an extent and it’s in a safe space.  Home creates that for me.   Home is what I prefer when I’m alone with them.  Home is what I do a lot now.

 The thought of getting them all in the car, implying they are ready, with all the clothing necessary, not fighting, crying or running off, fed, and having used the bathroom… well by the time all that is done, it’s so late we might as well stay home.  You can see why taking them out is one of my least favorite things.  

Anyway, today I was going to prove I could do this.  I did enlist friends for possible support, just to give myself the extra oomph to actually do it. I strapped the baby on, carried the 5 year old at least half the time and took them out where we could play.  They ran around, the two oldest off on their own, somewhere close I hoped.  Luckily, the friends could keep track of them, being “big” boys too. 

I couldn’t keep track of them while carrying 2, that’s where the friends with extra eyes and arms were useful.  The two babies stayed with me though, and only one of them ALMOST drowned only once.  Whew.  The stress level was not enjoyable, but the scenery sure was.  

I remember looking at that picture of me with a sleeping baby on my back thinking, ok, here’s a mom who can do anything.  I had such a great time that afternoon with my boys.  We were playing, and being outside and being together.  The only thing that could have made it perfect, or ideal rather, was having daddy there with us.  

Even then, what I remembered most about that adventure was that Grant wasn’t there.  He could have been, but instead he wanted to get to his training 2 days early so HE wouldn’t feel stressed.  I asked him to come to the red rocks with us, even just for an hour or two. He’d still get to his training well before it even started, by over a day.  I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t want to come be with his family when he could so easily, maybe that’s why I remember that most.

Nothing held him back from coming with us but his own desire not to. It was more important to him to feel at ease and early to his training than leave a couple hours later when he’d still be early even if he came to the rocks with us.  I was disappointed. I didn’t ever get a resolve for this in my mind either.

Now even more, I know the disappointment from many of these missed opportunities because the opportunities are gone now.  When I see these and other pictures, I remember there isn’t always tomorrow. That thought, we can do it again later, it’s a lie.  Maybe you can, it’s even likely you can, but what if you can’t?  

The most heightened sense you leave behind are the feelings you created in those you interacted with on this planet.  What I remember most about this beautiful day with my children and friends is being disappointed their father wasn’t there and feeling on my own unnecessarily.  The same feeling he’s left me with permanently now.  Feeling like the priority wasn’t us, but something else.  It was.  He died for his commitment to and love for flying his paraglider.  Hum, I don’t feel like that’s something to die for.  So what I now remember more than anything, is feeling like he left us for what he loved.  

It’s how I feel.