Smiling In Pain

The first Saturday after, August 2, 2019, we held a Celebration of Life. It was one of 3 events held to honor my newly passed on husband, Grant Thompson. This was the first Celebration we held of Grant’s Life. It had been 5 days. Grant died that prior Monday.  At this point I didn’t know if my own world was real anymore.  I was in total shock and that had been since the moment they told me, “Your husband is deceased.”  

At the moment the shock came over me, I also felt as though I was being lifted as much as my body fell into the shock.  I was now being carried by an unseen force.  Periodically, I had to look down at the ground to assure myself, in actuality, I was indeed standing on the earth.  I felt more as if I were floating along, being carried through.  I did not feel alone, I felt completely surrounded at all times, knowing, feeling and being in the love of an incredible power.

It’s a power I had believed in, could not see, and now know with a surety, exists.  I’ve felt this in ways beyond what I had believed or guessed.   What I need to convey is that I was not functioning as I had been before.  I could not have done all the levels of those first ‘after’ experiences on my own. I was in a state of complete shock. 

I’m amazed to see such a genuine smile in these pictures taken just days after Grant died.  That smile faded as the shock wore off and I was gently and gradually placed back on the ground as real life set in.  The smile you see here would take over a year to reappear.  These pictures are from that first Celebration of Grant’s Life near where he would fly almost daily. The smile is not because I’m happy, it’s because I’m in a completely different experience than death during these moments.

We’d rather celebrate life than mourn death, so that’s the spirit in which we did what we did.  We held it at the park he loved.  The one he flew out of that fateful night and never returned to.  I thought it fitting to celebrate the life he lived in the place he loved. He loved so much and lived so big. He wasn’t afraid of the cost. It was where we needed to celebrate him. I drove his truck to the park and parked in his spot, just the way he parked.  Just as if he were there, exactly as he would have done. 

I felt as if there was a new birth of me, the me who would live after his death. The me who would live in the celebration of the life he lived. That thought clung to me, it meant, I’m still here. I’m still living and my husband is not here to experience temporal life with me.  I asked myself, what is the life I’m now living?  With the invitation to step into that new life calling me forward. “Ok,” I responded, and that has changed me.

At the Celebration, I floated around from person to person, and all I could feel was love being poured out.  That buoyed me while in this intense shock of his passing. It enhanced the already near illusion that I wasn’t on the ground.  I spoke to the attendees of Grant, of his life as if he were there and smiling at me. He was. 

It was his party at his park. He wouldn’t miss that.  He was having fun.  I could feel it.  Perhaps, his presence there increased my smiles, to be around him again.  It felt as if he were celebrating his own life with us.  We finally were throwing him the party he deserved.  He was in his party mode and loved all the people there that showed up for him.  

After everyone went home, the park was cleaned up, and last hugs were shared among us still living in this world. I got in his truck and drove home.  I went back home to the place he no longer was.  I returned to my previous reality as he returned to his new reality. I was home where it was again time to face my life of celebration or not. I now begin to see what is real for me after this day was done and the quiet sets in.