Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Epic Dad
As I’m going through more and more processing, not just my emotions but stuff around my house, I again go through things. Processing and going through boxes really are one and same in so many ways. Upon opening yet a few more forgotten boxes from our move last year, I found these little boys t-shirts that said “I have an Epic Dad.”
Grant’s Birthday
This picture is a screen shot from the video of Grant’s last birthday. He turned 38 in this picture. We had just finished singing Happy Birthday and our son added the part that goes… “ and many more of them too… and many more of them too… and many more happy birthdays, many more of them too!”
Grateful He’s Gone
Feeling Grateful I’m here. As I held one of my children, I felt a new sense of gratitude. The kind of gratitude that one can feel in the presence of a new perspective with an old thought. I held my boy and realized how much I loved holding him and how much I would miss him had I been the one to have died.
Gravestone
It’s time to pick a gravestone. Yep, I know, it’s been 2 years. It's probably past time. I don’t live by a certain time frame for this though. Grant doesn’t have a grave or a gravestone or any memorial to speak of right now. There are a lot of reasons for this.
Why I Keep Your Helmet
I keep the helmet you wore when you died in the storage room. I don’t see it often, but enough. On good days, I pass right by it. On hard days, I stare at it and forget why I came into the storage room. It is in the Grant section on a shelf where it stays.
I Didn’t Think About You Today
I just realized that I didn’t think about Grant today. At least not the way I have been. I’ve just lived my life today and it’s been an amazing day. I was reading through what I wrote about how every morning I wake up and the first thought I think is, “Grant isn’t here.” I realized for the first time in 20 months since you died Grant, that I didn’t wake up this morning thinking, another day without Grant.
All Your Stuff
I started crying today. Not because I missed you but because I saw your truck. It was in a video. All your people - the crew, they were in the truck. They were driving it to the mountains. It was a party for them. They are road tripping to film a video and doing it in your truck.
I Won’t Tell Your Secret
Grant crashed our motorhome on the drive home from the dealership within 3 hours of buying it. Oh shit… That’s the secret, I just told it. The one I promised him I wouldn’t tell. Well… that was when you were alive Grant. I kept that promise. I never told anyone while you were alive. I didn’t because you were important to me. How you felt was even more important to me. Telling your secret would have hurt you. I never wanted to do that.
The Blind Fight
My new bedroom in my new house in my new life is finished. Finished enough for me to sleep there. I moved my bed from the make-shift bedroom I was using that’s really my small office. I’ve been sleeping in my small office for 3 months. We finally got the new carpet for the new house I just bought. This house that I live in now because I couldn’t live in Grant’s house anymore.
I Got a Cat
I got a cat, it’s our first one. Seems innocuous enough on the surface. The thing is, Grant hated animals. Maybe I shouldn’t use the word hate. I don’t want to misrepresent. It felt extreme like that with him though.
I Sold Grant’s Happy Place
I sold the house Grant bought 7 months before he died. The one he had to have so he could go flying. The house that got him out of the snow. The house he moved into with the hellish heat. The heat that I felt at his outside celebration of life funeral in July in that heat. The funeral he missed because he was dead.
