I Didn’t Think About You Today

I just realized that I didn’t think about Grant today.  At least not the way I have been. I’ve just lived my life today and it’s been an amazing day. I was reading through what I wrote about how every morning I wake up and the first thought I think is, “Grant isn’t here.” I realized for the first time in 20 months since you died Grant, that I didn’t wake up this morning thinking, another day without Grant. 

In fact, I also just realized that I haven't thought that for, I don't know how long now, weeks at least, maybe even a month!  And you know what?  It feels good.  Really good.  I didn’t feel the weight of that thought.  I’ve felt free from the pain and the grief in a way that’s allowed me to feel happy and go through my day feeling like I own it.

Today, I felt it; I’m not a victim of my circumstances.  I’m not the victim of “my husband died.” I’m not the victim of, “my boys don’t have a dad and I’m raising them by myself.”  Today I looked at Jaymen and tickled him while we played on the love sac.

I threw him up and as he landed on the plush softness, he looked at me, his eyes wide and happy. This laugh from him permeated the room, it just felt normal. In that moment I realized I’m having fun with my son and there’s nothing else. 

At that moment, I felt the freedom from all the thoughts racking around in the background of my brain. The thoughts like, I’m doing it all right now because Grant’s gone.  It’s a lot to do both Grant’s and my lives. Grant left me alone.

I’m not even sure what ‘ doing it’ is because I didn’t ever conceive I’d be here without Grant with all this… everything.  Everything that was yours, it’s now mine.  It doesn’t feel like mine though, I’m just responsible for it.  Everything that is mine, it’s still mine. Everything that was ours, especially our family, it’s all mine and it’s so much for me. 

The weight of all this was gone today and I noticed.  I noticed it while playing with Jaymen, it felt light.  I felt there present with him.  I felt happy to hear him laugh. Most of all I felt in the moment of the moment and not burdened by the memories of what’s gone, what’ not here in this moment, what’s happened… you. 

And ya know what?   I’ve never felt better.  Realizing why I’m feeling so much better is because I didn’t think about you today.  I didn’t remember to have that thought of gone or lost to start my day, the one that reminds me, Grant is dead. You’re a widow, now go take care of the 4 boys he fathered, and everything else he left behind for you to take care of.  Not today and not again.

I move myself into the beautiful day ahead of me and it’s without you.  It’s without you and without that thought in my head or heart.  Wow… it feels as if I’ve been unshackled from something so heavy and constricting.  I feel today the freedom of movement without the hindrance of those thoughts. For that, I’m grateful you’re out of my day, out of that place in my head, and out of that part of my heart, so I can move again. 

You’re finally dead.  I’m feeling what it really feels like to be without you but this time, it feels good.  I’m grateful for this.  Thanking God that I can finally be, although it is without you still, it’s now a good thing and not a loss, but a liberation.  That feels right. 

Does anyone else know this?  How painful it is to lose someone and how much more painful it is when that person stays in your thoughts, heart and mind and won’t die from there? The feeling of carrying death with you and how that sucks the life from you?  That’s more painful than your loved one passing on because they are not the one stuck in some kind of limbo between life and death.  It was me, this whole time. 

I was the one not living, but still alive.  Slowly dying, but not dead.  How did I do this?  How did I let go?  How did I feel alive again so I could come back to this life?   I don’t quite know. 

Today I’m grateful I’m still alive and you’re dead... finally.  I’m living, alive and present fully. You’re dead and today I noticed that I let that be real because you were really gone. I became aware that I am happy without you, and that feels really good to know.