Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Epic Dad
As I’m going through more and more processing, not just my emotions but stuff around my house, I again go through things. Processing and going through boxes really are one and same in so many ways. Upon opening yet a few more forgotten boxes from our move last year, I found these little boys t-shirts that said “I have an Epic Dad.”
Grant’s Birthday
This picture is a screen shot from the video of Grant’s last birthday. He turned 38 in this picture. We had just finished singing Happy Birthday and our son added the part that goes… “ and many more of them too… and many more of them too… and many more happy birthdays, many more of them too!”
Grateful He’s Gone
Feeling Grateful I’m here. As I held one of my children, I felt a new sense of gratitude. The kind of gratitude that one can feel in the presence of a new perspective with an old thought. I held my boy and realized how much I loved holding him and how much I would miss him had I been the one to have died.
I Didn’t Think About You Today
I just realized that I didn’t think about Grant today. At least not the way I have been. I’ve just lived my life today and it’s been an amazing day. I was reading through what I wrote about how every morning I wake up and the first thought I think is, “Grant isn’t here.” I realized for the first time in 20 months since you died Grant, that I didn’t wake up this morning thinking, another day without Grant.
Angry, Tired and Happy
I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is, “Grant’s not here.” I go through my day and list the things I’ll be doing without him. I list what he’ll be missing and all the extra things I have to do because he’s now dead and not here to help me do the things he used to do. He used to help me, and our family.
I Am A Woman
I am grateful to be a woman. Yes, I love chocolate. I can be moody and I definitely have scuffs on my wheels from just barely miscalculating that curb… and really, that is not just a woman thing… let’s be honest now, men do it just as often.
He Died Doing What He Loved
I remember we got so many sympathy cards the week Grant died. It’s a beautiful thing for someone to send a card, but in the wake of the death of your husband with 4 small children still around, alive and now without dad; the last thing you want is any mail to open. Every letter, every card is a reminder of what just happened.
I Tried Making Cookies
See that boy? That smile on his face while frosting cookies? It’s priceless!
They look like gingerbread or chocolate cookies right? No… those are sugar cookies. Why are they black you might ask? Well… that was my attempt at being domestic again. Yes, after all this time, I’m still not really sure how my family has stayed fed. We have somehow.
