Giving Up Good

I used to obsess about the outcome of things in my life.  I always wanted things to turn out “good.” I don’t believe in “good” or “bad” anymore.  Sure I still use those words occasionally, but not in the same way or with the same belief that my experiences or outcomes are good or bad.  

I realize now that all experiences are just that.  Experiences.  Some I do like more than others. I have my preferences.  Some are more enjoyable and desirable and comfortable, but that doesn't make them “good” just as the ones that are not enjoyable or uncomfortable are not “bad”  They just are. 

 I like to choose what I prefer and don’t, but I don’t get out of what I don’t prefer just as I don’t control what I do prefer. When I think about living a “good” life, I live with myself doing the things that I feel are “good” because inherently the goodness that comes isn’t about the outcome.

It’s about doing what I’m called to do.  What I feel called to, that is becoming increasingly different from what I thought was good in the beginning of my life. When what I thought was right was to be good and avoid being bad simply put.  

In that ideal, I did not hear the voice inside myself.  I looked to what other people and organizations taught to replace or fill my own thoughts, wishes, and choices, and used that to do so. But now, I don’t listen to those outside voices anymore.  

I still hear them and sometimes what I hear is helpful, but I no longer give others any authority in my life.  I am the authority in partnership with my heart and the light of Christ that lives there. This is how I answer to myself. 

I let my heart guide me, and that guides me on a more unique and far better path than I ever knew possible when I kept listening to things outside myself. When I do what could be considered good, it’s not for accolades or because I was told what to do. It's to get feedback on myself that I’m doing good. 

I do it because it needs to be done and I’m willing to do it. It’s not to be remembered and revered, though maybe it will, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I have the ability to do the things my heart directs me to do. It feels good, so I honor it and I do it.  

When I give, I will give my best, not because it’s enough, but because it’s what I can do. So I will give it, especially when it’s not enough, and that’s how I feel now.  With all I’m called to do I know what I have to give, especially for my children, is not enough. 

Yet it’s what I have, so it’s what I give. Because it’s all I have, it becomes enough.  I’m not committed to giving all I can and requiring that it be enough, that’s also not up to me anymore I realize.  I’m already enough, so I know what I choose to give is my best.

I’ll give it because I choose and I decide what I can give.  I know in the end, who I’ll answer to-It is myself and God.   God knows my heart. God is full of the love that lives in my heart.  God placed it there.  I am in the God I know.  

You don’t know what’s in my heart, but I do and I’m sure of it.  My heart is where my power resides. As I know this, I’ll know when to share it and when I won’t share it. When you don’t want to know, I’ll protect the heart I have that is full of love. 

That heart you don’t know is connected to the God I know.  One day, I hope to find another human being who wants to know what’s in my heart.  Not to take my power away, not that he could anyway. I want to find someone who wants to know my heart. 

When I see that his motives are not selfish, but kind; I will recognize it as matching the kindness I’ve found.  It is easy to recognize what you already know.  So as I navigate this life, seeking to find the expression of the desires in my heart;  I know the source is also the expression.