Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Now Is My New Home
For too long I was looking for a home that doesn’t exist here. It’s the place where Grant is now. I had been alive, but longing to be somewhere else. A place I thought to be better than here. What I didn’t realize was how much of here I was missing, longing to be there. Now I see what I missed. I see it fully now, because part of it is lost to me. That’s a hard lesson to see what you had, only when it’s taken from you.
It’s So Good To Be Home
About 4 weeks before Grant died, he’d gotten into buying home décor for the new house. He loved those little decorative plaques with messages of cliché sayings. The ones that are true, and everybody knows them. They’re positive. When you see them, you think ahhh… yeah that’s so true. He bought several. Usually on a Walmart trip with the kids, so they weren't exactly designer quality, but they were really nice. I was impressed by the Walmart finds.
The 2nd Year Is Harder
Grant,
In 2 days it will be your birthday. You’d be 40, but you’re dead, so you won’t be. You stopped aging at 38. You managed to immortalize yourself in your youthfulness, before your age really started to show, before you were affected by all the life lessons and joys of growing older. Congratulations.
Evidence of Them, Evidence of Him
Seems like a random picture right?! Let me explain why this picture is significant to me. It’s 12 am and I can’t sleep. My boys however, are thankfully all asleep. I relish the quiet of the house at this hour. It seems to energize me when I should be sleeping. Then, I hear Grant call, ‘Come outside.’ I think, ‘Of course you’re outside.’ That’s when I see this.
How Am I Doing? Don’t Ask Me
Please stop asking me how am I doing, I have no answer. Friends and family close to me are often asked, “How is Janae doing?” by others who know me. It also comes from those who are thinking of me and have heard my husband died, thus leaving me with 4 little boys. I think people want a connection to me within this raw reality, or a reassurance that I’m ok, but somehow they don’t feel able to ask me themselves.
The First Halloween
The first Halloween without Grant, I was annoyed at all the pictures of families, the ones with dads planning, coordinating costumes with their children. This is a favorite holiday of our children and like usual, it is stressful for me as I tried to appease all the costume desires of 4 different boys.
The Last Picture
Grant had been dead for almost 3 months.
I took the boys to Cornbelly’s. It’s a fall festival with all sorts of fun turn-of-the-season games including a corn maze. It was nearly Halloween. It was the first ‘fun’ thing I’d taken the boys to do on my own.
Not All Of Me Is Here
When I got to Hawaii, I went to our beach. It was where we kissed for the first time. It was also where we went right after our wedding. On the way to our honeymoon hotel, we passed this same beach. We looked at each other, “Let’s stop!” we both said, then laughed and smiled. We stopped there and it became another first for us.
Angelic Instructions
I went on a walk with my mom. We walked in silence. What do you say anyway? She patiently held a space for me, watched me, helped me with the kids, but I’m sure she didn’t really know the right thing to do or say. Just being there was where she needed to be, and all I needed really.
Air That Kills
The wind storm in our town canceled school. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Wind? Canceling school??? Good grief! Are you serious? The kids are only in school 2 days a week anyway because of COVID and now I’m losing one of those two precious days because the air is acting up? You’ve got to be kidding me!
Smiling In Pain
The first Saturday after, August 2, 2019, we held a Celebration of Life. It was one of 3 events held to honor my newly passed on husband, Grant Thompson. This was the first Celebration we held of Grant’s Life. It had been 5 days. Grant died that prior Monday. At this point I didn’t know if my own world was real anymore. I was in total shock and that had been since the moment they told me, “Your husband is deceased.”
I Knew Before I Knew
It was 9:30pm on July 29th. He’d promised to be home by 9:30. I looked at my phone as I snuggled in my bed with my 8 year old. He played Zelda and I read my book.
2nd Dead Anniversary
Tomorrow is my second wedding anniversary without Grant. What does that make tomorrow for me? The 2nd dead Anniversary? The first one was too soon, only 2 months after he died. I was in a complete haze of life still. We had planned to go to Hawaii that year during our anniversary. Hawaii is where we got married. We’d already paid for our rental house, so I went anyway with my boys.
Thank You For Praying
Ever heard the phrase, “You don’t know me, but I’ve been praying for you.” I’ve heard that so many times recently. And I know it’s true that people have been. I’ve felt the prayers, all of them. They’ve carried me.
False Alarm
For the first time in months, I was asleep before 10 pm! My little 6 year old asleep soundly next to me. My boy wants to sleep with mommy and since there’s no one who sleeps in that space where daddy once slept; I think, sure you can sleep with me.
The Heavens Cried With Me
The day it all started, July 30th. The day after Grant died, the day we all found out. That day was a blur. I don’t remember it. People were appearing out of nowhere. I had no idea why they were there or why they kept coming. Grant was dead, if they cared about him, there was nothing they could do for him or with him. So it didn’t make sense why they were coming.
Running Away
My body told me to run everyday for 10 minutes. 10 minutes is something I can do. The beautiful thing about 10 minutes is it’s so underwhelming that once I start, cause starting is the hard part, I don’t want to stop after 10 minutes and if I do, I can.
One Dirty Shirt Left
Right after Grant died, I realized he, as in his body, would not be around to smell wonderful or terrible anymore. I found myself frantically going through the laundry to see if I could find any clothes that still smelled like him. I needed a shirt or something that still smelled like him. Damn! I was too efficient with the laundry.
