Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Paradox
I look at my little boys. I want to give them everything I have. I want to always be there for them. Even though I know that’s impossible and ridiculous, I try. It’ll be three years in just a few months that their father, my husband and lover will have been gone. I continue to feel the loss.
Learning My Place
I’ve learned that ‘Love’ begins with me. And how I love, is on my terms…. and my love may not look the way you see love. It may not feel like love sometimes either; but I know what I’m giving. It may not be what you think love is; but I’m operating from the love within me.
Flowers Are a Metaphor
Flowers symbolize so many things; love and loss and sorry and congratulations. Which color and flower is given, how its sent and its scent, all telling a story. For instance what flowers smell like... Flowers smell like life, love, and death all at the same time to me.
Letting Go Of Expectations
Learning how to let go of expectations - especially positive outcomes - has completely transformed my life.
Giving Up Good
I used to obsess about the outcome of things in my life. I always wanted things to turn out “good.” I don’t believe in “good” or “bad” anymore. Sure I still use those words occasionally, but not in the same way or with the same belief that my experiences or outcomes are good or bad.
Love is a Wild Thing
Love is a wild thing. No really. A WILD THING. It’s amusing to me how it seems that so few people really understand something we are all continually seeking to find. A desire so dear and tender to the heart; love, acceptance, belonging, hope, in a relationship with another… Love.
Empty Space
A few months ago, I had another little awakening. I had a small trauma that caused me to look at my life again in a way that invited me to question, what am I doing? The trauma wasn’t anything big, it was a simple conversation. It invoked so many emotions and sadness.
I’m Having a Baby
No, not me, I’m not having a baby. I saw a friend's pregnancy announcement on Facebook. It happens all the time. I just happened to notice this one. What affected me about this one is that she is my same age. We started having kids around the same time and she’s still married to her same husband.
That Beard, Well Goatee…
I laughed when I saw this picture recently. Mostly because the baby is looking at daddy’s belly button with so much inquisitive curiosity. It's like it’s the best thing he’s found so far. It makes me smile. I didn’t notice what he was looking at with such joy when I took the picture.
Tired and Worn Out Cozy and Safe
I feel so tired. And I’m so blessed, I know. I know how blessed I am as I sit here, in my exhaustion, wrapped up in a cozy warm blanket looking at the fire and watching a historical movie about Pearl Harbor with my son.
Still Around, Not Ready to Leave
I keep thinking this morning about that last hug from Grant. I remember the way his arms held me and how prominent his body was. Well, not his body, but his presence. His body was gone.
Lens Of Grief
I realized another thing recently. A part of that dichotomy I described before of seeing beauty and feeling pain together and they are one and the same in me, existing together with no separation.
Will It Stop Hurting
I sat in my backyard. Alone. The moon was full and radiating light that illuminated the yard in the darkness in only the way a full moon can. It felt like that moonlight pierced the darkness in a way that fought so strongly against the darkness taking over.
Scars Of Parenting
This time it wasn’t me running. I could now see wanting to run from a new perspective. It was my 11 year old son now. This time, I could see the sadness that compelled him, instead of that sadness that compelled me. He decided he didn’t want to live with us anymore.
Beauty
Beauty has taken on a whole other meaning again. I love beautiful things. This morning as I was getting ready, I felt beautiful. Not like I felt like I looked beautiful, but as I settled into the feeling of being in my body, walking into the bathroom, surrounded by the silence of being alone; that is also now a state of being for me. I felt the feeling of beautiful inside me.
Because I Know/King James Bible
For whosoever hath, to him shall be given and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. How does it make sense to say those who have will get more and those who don’t will lose even what they have?
I’m Used To My Life Now
I’m used to my Life now. When change is the only constant in your life and you think, once I get to a certain place, then I’ll be able to… fill in the blank_________________ (relax, take that vacation, retire, play with my kids, visit my mom, keep the house clean, live my dream), you are thinking wrong.
The Grant Boys
We passed this sign every day on our way to Disneyland. It caught my breath in my throat every single time. And every single time I passed it, I thought we should get a picture of the boys under that sign.
