Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Christmas Day
If any of you really knew Grant, you’d know he’d have to be dead for us to get a dog… So this Christmas, we got a dog. Grant sent her to us. He found her and brought us together, another story. This story is about Christmas.
Lens Of Grief
I realized another thing recently. A part of that dichotomy I described before of seeing beauty and feeling pain together and they are one and the same in me, existing together with no separation.
Will It Stop Hurting
I sat in my backyard. Alone. The moon was full and radiating light that illuminated the yard in the darkness in only the way a full moon can. It felt like that moonlight pierced the darkness in a way that fought so strongly against the darkness taking over.
A Fight
My son got into a fight at school. He was suspended for a couple days. “Boys fight, it’s a part of growing up,” they say. It’s a part of human nature to fight. Fighting is conflict. I saw the fight and I saw two little boys, two humans with the objective of inflicting pain on the other.
Grateful He’s Gone
Feeling Grateful I’m here. As I held one of my children, I felt a new sense of gratitude. The kind of gratitude that one can feel in the presence of a new perspective with an old thought. I held my boy and realized how much I loved holding him and how much I would miss him had I been the one to have died.
My 3rd Birthday
Recently it was my 3rd birthday without Grant. I can’t believe I’ve now had 3 birthday’s without him. I had to go back and count to make sure that’s right. It’s only been 2 years. 2 years completed, which means we’re in the 3rd’s for everything.
Paying For Mistakes Part III
So what happened to my son to warrant him being so upset and running away because of this rock wall?? What could have possibly “made” him run away?? Well, let’s be clear, nothing made him run away, he chose to do that to cope with his feelings. Here’s why.
Paying For Mistakes Part II
Rhys’ additions to the wall didn’t end with his query into more changes. He felt he could do it himself. I’m guessing that last part where I said we’d have someone come to help went into the abyss of information a child cuts from his consciousness once he hears the answer he wants.
Paying For Mistakes Part I
I had put a rock wall up in the gym we had. It might have been some sort of personal guilt mixed with fear and excitement for a new place. What I wanted was a place in my home where the boys could be boys and I could still see them, hear them and know exactly where they were.
Gravestone
It’s time to pick a gravestone. Yep, I know, it’s been 2 years. It's probably past time. I don’t live by a certain time frame for this though. Grant doesn’t have a grave or a gravestone or any memorial to speak of right now. There are a lot of reasons for this.
Scars Of Parenting
This time it wasn’t me running. I could now see wanting to run from a new perspective. It was my 11 year old son now. This time, I could see the sadness that compelled him, instead of that sadness that compelled me. He decided he didn’t want to live with us anymore.
Running Away Again
I had no idea where he was. It was late. He had no intention of coming back. He left me. He ran away, sneaky little guy. He’s 11 and gone. He thought he had us all fooled and he thought could get away from his life. I know that feeling, wanting to run, to get away from my life.
Beauty
Beauty has taken on a whole other meaning again. I love beautiful things. This morning as I was getting ready, I felt beautiful. Not like I felt like I looked beautiful, but as I settled into the feeling of being in my body, walking into the bathroom, surrounded by the silence of being alone; that is also now a state of being for me. I felt the feeling of beautiful inside me.
Knew That Was Coming
It’s finally been said. I knew it would be one day. I wasn’t expecting it till the teenage years really, but it makes sense it’d be now. I think it’s something every parent will hear when the other parent is dead. Those words that cut deeper than any other phrase.
Because I Know/King James Bible
For whosoever hath, to him shall be given and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. How does it make sense to say those who have will get more and those who don’t will lose even what they have?
I’m Used To My Life Now
I’m used to my Life now. When change is the only constant in your life and you think, once I get to a certain place, then I’ll be able to… fill in the blank_________________ (relax, take that vacation, retire, play with my kids, visit my mom, keep the house clean, live my dream), you are thinking wrong.
The Grant Boys
We passed this sign every day on our way to Disneyland. It caught my breath in my throat every single time. And every single time I passed it, I thought we should get a picture of the boys under that sign.
