Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
When I Sleep
It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep. I’ve been up since 7 am yesterday when the baby came in. I know he’ll be up and in my room again at the same time in just a few hours. Why can’t I sleep? Tonight anyway, it’s because I don’t want to get in my bed.
The Color White
White is my favorite color. I love to wear it, see it, decorate with it, feel it, surround myself with it, and everything I buy; my first choice is white. Being the mom of 4 young boys and loving to wear white and have it all around is kind of a travesty. Nothing stays white, but that is because it shows everything, which is part of my point.
Memorial Day
Last year on Memorial Day, I had an eerie recognition that the day meant something different to me now than it ever had. I ignored it. I don’t know what we did that day. I just got through the kids having a day off of school. At that time, each day was still a blur even though it had been by that time, it had been 10 months since Grant died.
Why I Keep Your Helmet
I keep the helmet you wore when you died in the storage room. I don’t see it often, but enough. On good days, I pass right by it. On hard days, I stare at it and forget why I came into the storage room. It is in the Grant section on a shelf where it stays.
Hard Lessons (That Helmet Part II)
There’s a deep dent in the helmet you wore when you died. It’s the point of impact where your head hit the rock. The medical examiner who accompanied us on our pilgrimage to the site, he showed us the rock you were lying next to. He surmised that that's what created the dent based on your body position.
Capturing Death
That mount you put on your helmet to hold the go pro, so you could record your trips flying in the sky? What it captured the very last time it was ever used. It recorded that which was the moment you went from flying to falling. That transition from life to death.
That Helmet
Why did you even wear a helmet Grant?! It’s not like it can protect you from hundreds of feet high. That helmet made no difference in safety. Oh… yeah, to mount the go pro video camera, that’s probably why, so you could film everything. It gave you some sense of power or importance, freedom or control that is clear.
Flowers For Mom
My son comes in with flowers for mom. Dandelions. That beautiful bouquet of dandelions! My heart melts each time I see it. And to have that little plastic heart ring around one of the stems is so precious. Then when I look at him, he’s just gorgeous. I am biased, yes, I know. I’m his mom. So I will be and it’s ok.
Do I still love Grant?
Do Still love Grant? That’s easy, no. I don’t. I sure don’t feel it anyway. Part of that is out of sight out of mind and that is exacerbated by him dying the way he did. Part of it is me wanting to punish him for it by forgetting him because I felt he forgot about me by leaving me the way he did. I feel like he abandoned his boys.
Pain Of Betrayal
This particular morning, the day began hard and life kept hitting, hard, as happens sometimes. This day reminded me of what it feels like at the beach on a day when the ocean waves are unrelenting, when they are just pounding the sand. They keep coming, and don’t seem to stop; you gotta survive till you can find a way out or stay out of the water.
Unconditional Love
This little sign, it was a Valentine gift from one of my best friends. It’s April. We have that kind of relationship. I’ll take a Valentine's gift any day of the year. I don’t expect anything on Valentines from her nor her from me, but we can give gifts any time and it’s beautiful to receive.
I Know
It’s been an hour since I’ve seen my baby. He’s usually toddling around following one of his brothers or sometimes doing his own thing. I hear him in the background of everything I’m doing. This morning I’ve been writing, cleaning up the kitchen and planning a future full of amazingness. I’ve done all this while putting groceries away and making phone calls, all at once, yeah, welcome to an hour in the life. All this, while I’ve been contemplating a relationship I have and how to show up in it. Things of the heart, they take your attention, yet, I’m still aware of my kids, each one of them, always.
Marbles and Grief
I felt the grief take over me. It was the first time or it felt like it. It feels like the first time every time. Maybe because it’s new, maybe because it’s different every time. A friend shared with me a beautiful story of small objects that now have symbolic meaning to him because of certain experiences he’s had. He placed these objects together and took a picture to have it all in one place to remember.
Trail of Crumbs
The power of Influence vs force. I’m learning how to be in influence without forcing. I’ve discovered it starts with a process of accepting. It’s a process of acceptance in general. Today, my 9 year old son was reading at the counter. The floor was covered in crumbs and that bugs me, a lot. The crumbs bug me, not his reading at the counter.
Moped Memories
You told me you bought the moped to take the boys for rides. That was your excuse to buy it, the one that made sense and was logical. I know the real reason you bought it. When you lived in Hawaii that was your vehicle over there. I remember the stories you told me of how you felt free riding it all around the island.
I Didn’t Think About You Today
I just realized that I didn’t think about Grant today. At least not the way I have been. I’ve just lived my life today and it’s been an amazing day. I was reading through what I wrote about how every morning I wake up and the first thought I think is, “Grant isn’t here.” I realized for the first time in 20 months since you died Grant, that I didn’t wake up this morning thinking, another day without Grant.
All Your Stuff
I started crying today. Not because I missed you but because I saw your truck. It was in a video. All your people - the crew, they were in the truck. They were driving it to the mountains. It was a party for them. They are road tripping to film a video and doing it in your truck.
Do I Really Believe What I Say? No, Not Anymore
Back to that night in the park, the one I remembered from two weeks before he died, it’s haunted me since. Why? Because there is more to that night, the story and the last thing I said. When I think back on how I used to think… wow… I can’t believe I said that 2 weeks before he died. Do I really believe what I say? No, not anymore. Not when I tell a lie I didn’t think was a lie then, but don’t realize it is until it’s too late.
Believing Lies
I watched Grant take off, off into the sky. We were at the park. It was our family routine. We’d go to the park an hour before sunset many nights of the week. Grant packed up the paramotor and I’d gather the kids. We’d head to the park where he’d unload everything. As he did, he’d draw a crowd who’d watch in awe as he set up and took off. Showing us all it’s possible for man to fly.
Angry, Tired and Happy
I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is, “Grant’s not here.” I go through my day and list the things I’ll be doing without him. I list what he’ll be missing and all the extra things I have to do because he’s now dead and not here to help me do the things he used to do. He used to help me, and our family.
