Angry, Tired and Happy

I wake up every morning and the first thing I think is, “Grant’s not here.”  I go through my day and list the things I’ll be doing without him. I list what he’ll be missing and all the extra things I have to do because he’s now dead and not here to help me do the things he used to do. He used to help me, and our family.

These thoughts would make me angry after waking up. I’d start my day angry.  I’d go on to justify it because, “I’m in the anger phase of grief.”  That’s so good I’d tell myself, because it’s progress.   Someone recently told me, it makes sense you’re still in the angry part of grief, you seem to be still in survival mode, so you’re not able to process and heal more till you move past just survival.  You’re just surviving right now.

Humph!  I retort!  I’ve done so much healing. I’m doing so much better.  I’ve made so much progress. Look at all I’m doing: I’m writing this blog, raising the kids, going out with friends, remodeling the house, running the business and all while I’m becoming so aware of myself.  I’m practically a transcendent being with all the spiritual work I’ve done!  An angry transcendent being actually, do those exist?  Angry spiritualists??

I go on… especially in the last few months, I can’t believe how much better I feel.  Those antidepressants I’ve started taking have really helped!  I then realize I’m in the same place I was a few months ago.  My chemicals are better because of drugs.  I think I’m doing better because I feel better and that feels great!  What a blessing modern medicine is.   Yet it’s apparent, I’m not doing as well as I thought I was.

My anger is ever present and that puts me in a place where I’m still just surviving.  That is hard to acknowledge.  My body is tired all the time.  I’m so mad at Grant for dying. I blame him for all that is bad. It’s all his fault because he died.  So in my head space, I’m not moving on.  I’m keeping him and my problems right there where I can watch them, instead of really making progress. 

I’m holding myself back and I keep doing it.  Why?  Because I like it.  I like blaming him for everything.  I like being angry at him.  I love the feeling of being irate with him, enraged by his memory and all he doesn’t do now and all he didn’t do then.  It feels good to think this way because he’s not here doing it, I am.  And that’s why I’m mad, angry and enraged BECAUSE HE’S GONE!

It’s a cycle I see myself perpetuating that won’t ever end if I don’t end it and the truth is, I’m tired of it already.  I want him out of my head.  I want it out of my heart.  I want to love again. I want the boys to HAVE a dad.  I want to be happy myself.  Holding onto this anger, well it justifies me not being ABLE to do these things.

Feeling justified helps me not feel guilty because I’m not moving on.  How can I?  I still want what I had.  I want THE dad of my kids.  I want MY husband.  I want the life WE created.  I want to still have what I thought I had.  I’m not really accepting it and when I am it’s out of spite. Grant is not here, so I do it my way and rub it in his nonexistent face. I’m doing what he wouldn’t like and I like it because I don’t think he’d like it. It’s because I’m so mad.

That all makes me mad and so if I’m mad, I need someone to blame it on otherwise I have to account for it myself; so the logical dumping place would be Grant.  It’s definitely not me and it’s not God's fault either.  Let’s talk then about God.  The God I believe in would not take a husband and father away from a family that needs him.  No, He wouldn’t do that unless it was the right thing.

This family needs a dad.  It’s not the right thing.  I can’t believe in a God who would think Grant dying is the right thing and God didn’t make Grant go flying.  Grant chose that.  God didn’t send Grant into those winds because he wanted him dead, I saw the video!  Grant turned his parachute INTO those winds, the kind of winds Grant KNEW could be deadly! He’d been flying airplanes and anything else he could get his hands on to fly for nearly 20 damn years.  He KNEW what winds do. 

Grant didn’t do it because he wanted to die but because he just thought he’d be fine. HE wasn’t fine.  I heard God whisper to Grant, don’t go, but Grant didn’t listen, he went.  Grant did it.  Not God.  God honors our agency and God honored Grant’s that day and every day before that day as well.  Being mad at God doesn’t help so, I’m not going to get mad at God.  I won’t because I don’t believe in a God that would do this.

I turn to myself in the anger. I have no reason to be mad at myself.  I wasn’t the one who died! Again, THAT WAS GRANT who died!  He was the one who did this.  HE DIED!  This is how my thoughts go, and so, it logically follows that I believe Grant did this to us. There’s blame and so that’s where the blame goes for me.

If I can blame it on someone else somehow, it’s not my fault, so my anger is not my fault.  If it’s not my fault, I’m a victim.  This way you can all feel so sorry for me and you know what? The truth is I’m tired of feeling sorry.  Sorry it all happened at all and sorry I didn't change it. Sorry he did it and sorry I’m mad.  All the sorry in the world from me or Grant or God or any of my family or friends just doesn’t change anything and I’m tired of being angry.

Being angry is exhausting and even in my righteous indignation, it feels SO justified. I’m tired though. Instead of being angry, I want to be happy again.  I want to move forward, not just in motion on the outside, but inside as well.  I want to feel happy inside of myself not because I’m on medication, but because I am happy.

This morning I woke up as usual.  Today our son is getting a special blessing, a blessing a father should be here to bestow on his son.  Grant should be here to give it to him and he’s not. I’m mad he’s not. It’s one of those days that’s especially hard and especially focused on Grant’s absence, so, today, I tell him, instead of keeping it all inside of me.  I just tell him.

Grant, you should be the one here giving this blessing to your son, instead your brother is going to do it. Your brother had to drive all the way from Washington to be here because YOU’RE NOT. Your brother was the only one our son wanted because he reminds our son the most of you. You're not here and you won’t be here to give any of our other sons this blessing either. That hurts.

You left me to do it all and I trusted you when you said you wanted to have a family with me.  I thought that meant you’d be here with me and that family, you’re not.  You’re such a liar and I hate you for it.   And by the way, did you know our baby has now lived half his life without you?  How does that feel?  You’ve been gone so long now that you’ve been gone as long as you were here for him. All he has ahead of him is life without a dad.

Then I pray, Father, take this all from me.  All these words, all this anger.  Take it. I want Jesus to have it.  If I can give it away, I’ll know that God hears and Jesus saves. If that’s so then it’s ok if I feel angry.  Then I feel it lift.  I feel lighter.  God just did what I asked.  Jesus did just what He said He would. 

I feel happy again.  I feel light again.  I feel good.  Not just because I took some meds; but because today, I came to a new peace of letting go and accepting how I feel. All of it is ok. Now I feel happy. For the first time I feel a new kind of happy. It feels real.  It’s alive within me. 

Light seems to be all around me and I feel good, really really good. Within myself I’m good again and yet it’s still there.  Yes, I feel it. I still feel angry.  And it’s ok, because for the first time I feel this new kind of happy too. It is real and alive, it can apparently live with the angry and all the other things inside of me.  To my surprise, they can all exist together.  Wow!  Now I really do feel transcendent.  An angry, happy transcendent being!  This creation stuff really works, just the way You say it does!