Do I Really Believe What I Say? No, Not Anymore

Back to that night in the park,  the one I remembered from two weeks before he died in my last blog post, it’s  haunted me since.  Why?  Because there is more to that night, the story and the last thing I said.  When I think back on how I used to think… wow… I can’t believe I said that 2 weeks before he died.  Do I really believe what I say? No, not anymore.  Not when I tell a lie. I didn’t think it was a lie then, but didn’t realize it was until too late.  

What does that even mean?!  Well for me, as I go back to that night, that crowd, that event where he went off flying and came back. When he landed safely on the ground to an awe inspired crowd and even a little applause - yes that night; the only outcome I knew of in that moment was that he came back.  

I continued talking at this mother in the park on the ground with me, the one who asked the question. “Does it every worry you something could happen when he’s up there?”  I went on, “Besides, if it’s his time to go, it’s his time to go.  If it’s not, he won’t go.”  I believed that.  I went on… and it makes me cringe to remember the words I kept saying.  “And, it would give me solace to know he died living life fully, being fully present and doing what he loved.”  These are the words that haunt me now.

Really?!?!!   Are you serious? I said that?  I am serious. I said that.  Two weeks before he died those are the words I said.   “If it’s his time to go, it’s his time to go.  I’ll be happy knowing he died doing what he loved.”  These are the words, this was the conversation, the interaction, I have played back over and over again in my head but now it's AFTER he died.  After I cringe at the ignorance wrapped up in the lies I believed. 

AFTER what I thought was a non-possibility was the new and irreversible reality. My new truth that invalidated the old one. The truer truth that doesn’t require any convincing to be true.  And did I believe it, the old truth?  Yes I did, for a little while anyway.  As soon as he passed, I had thought he was too good for this world, that’s why he was gone.  

I idealized the deceased like we all do.  He was so good.  He was amazing.  He was like a god.  He has more important work as an angel now.  I was so lucky to have him when I did.  I’m so grateful for what we did have.  He did such good things while he was here.  It’s so admirable how he showed us how to live fully, without fear. He lived so fully, he died living.  Wow!  What a guy.  How lucky I was to have known him.  Look at all he created while he was here.  He was an amazing father, a YouTube sensation, a creator, a religious man, a near perfect husband.  

All these things blanketed my early thoughts.  In my mind I convinced myself, it must have been his time to go. We all seem to do this with the deceased whether they were good, great or not. Maybe we need these thoughts in order to process the brutal reality of death. 

The months passed and the responsibilities and the hardships- the outcome of his choice- he left me with. I began to despise him.  It wasn’t his time to go, how could it be?  There is nothing more important a father of 4 boys could be doing than being here raising those boys.  He shouldn’t have gone that night.  

I didn’t feel like he should have flown. I knew it wasn’t right for him to fly which suggests it really wasn’t his time. A premonition is there to help us pick our actions in ways that better fulfill our lives. When we don’t heed them, we get to deal with the negative results that the premonition was trying to help us avoid. I knew he shouldn’t go (mind you, I didn’t realize the outcome otherwise I would definitely have insisted.) He went anyway.  

He wasn’t being admirable, I wasn’t luck to have a guy who’d choose a sport and get himself killed and I’d be a single mom and widow for it.  The time we had wasn't enough. He didn’t live fully, he died early because he was being an idiot.  He made this choice.  He  either wasn’t listening to that same premonition or he heard and didn’t follow it.  He did this. His choice did this to me.  It was not his time to go. He was just a complete dumbass that cared more about what he wanted than anything else at that moment. That’s true.  

I know he didn’t realize his choice would create such an outcome. Well, I guess I don’t know that, but I believe if he knew the outcome he wouldn’t have gone. Isn’t that the whole point though, when you listen to your gut, you have more of the results you want and need?  He was reckless and he didn’t think he could get hurt.  That was a lie and he’s an idiot for believing it, so was I, and even more so for supporting it.  

It’s so clearly true now how stupid that was, and me and the boys he left fatherless are the ones paying the consequences of finding out that truth.  This is not fair.  I hate him sometimes for not listening to his gut, nor mine. He had to have known or felt something and chose to ignore it and continue, right?  

Now, I don’t know.  Maybe it was his time to go?  Maybe it wasn't? Maybe it was a choice.  Maybe it was meant to be.  Maybe it’s all part of the whole truth.  What I know now of the truth is that I have the choice to let this pain, hate, and anger destroy me and my life.

And to let it destroy more of the boys lives, who lost a father.  That’s terrible, unfair, and not right, and well; if I choose to be in that belief, even if it feels like a justified truth, that will mean they lost a mother too.  Not physically, but if I let those feelings rule me, they’ve lost the heart of this mother and that too is not fair to them.  So what’s true? 

What I do believe now is that the truth is all around me and I get to choose to see it or not.  Now I recognize it. I know of a surety that truth is inside of me guiding me.  When something is off, it’s off.  When something is true, I feel it.  When there is a lie, I sense it.  I still don’t spend my time worrying, nor do use my energy anymore to deny a truth I don’t want to see.  

No matter how much you don’t want to see it, all the energy you put into looking the other way or trying to convince yourself it's ok or true when it’s not, won’t make it true or ok. Life WILL show you that someday and somehow.  Now I see the ease in doing the hard things.  Now I see how much better things are when you tell the truth and believe the truth even when it’s hard to stomach. 

Even when it hurts and it makes life feel not fun for a minute, at least I still have life to decide that.  One thing I know is that when you believe something not true, the untrueness of it, it will show up in truth.  Always.  Just like death, it’s not something you’ll escape, no matter how brave, smart, capable, or amazing you think you are or for that matter, how amazing someone else is. 

Truth, like death, is inescapable.  No one can hide the truth forever and no one can ever hide from death.  They will both always find you.  Your choice is how you choose to believe between now and then and what a difference that will make in living a truly amazing life.