This particular morning, the day began hard and life kept hitting, hard, as happens sometimes.  This day reminded me of what it feels like at the beach on a day when the ocean waves are unrelenting, when they are just pounding the sand.  They keep coming, and don’t seem to stop; you gotta survive till you can find a way out or stay out of the water. 

With life though, you don’t get to stay out of the water because life is the water.  This visualization reminds me of how much I love the beach although with a mixture of pure joy and some terror when the waves are strong.

Today I was scrutinized and judged for a simple decision I made as the mother to my children, a decision from 6 months ago.  It was a good decision but someone had their own opinion and disagreed with me.  It didn’t turn out to be just a conversation between the two people who have a disagreement.

That person went to a third party to try to validate and reinforce their side of the disagreement.  What that meant for me, was that I had to rearrange my whole day to prove the valor of who I am as a mother and why I do what I do. This is why I feel betrayed. 

Someone I trusted, betrayed that trust. Someone I let in, to help me as a single mom with these children, was supposed to be here to support me. This person didn’t act in what I feel is a trustworthy or supportive way. It certainly wasn’t what I needed.  That’s why it hurts.

It just keeps coming I thought. During this experience, I’ve started to pay more attention to how I feel with everything and everyone.  There were signs with this person, I ignored them.  My hope outweighed my instinctive knowing because I was desperate for help. 

This scrutiny I experienced that I felt came from a betrayal of trust, was really also a misjudgment by me of where to place trust.  See when betrayal is coated in some type of justification of why; when that justification of betrayal is done as the so called right thing to do, there’s underlying issues already. 

This is where I must look at my part in the circumstance.  When something that’s done as ‘the right thing’ could maybe be the right thing in one circumstance; I have to ask myself, is this right for me here and now?  I look honestly at that.  This experience today though, was not and it caused me a good bit of pain.

Because there still is a basis for why it happened, I will of course, learn from it.  This is where I can smile, because it will be ok anyway, regardless of this person.  I know what to do. I know how to handle the situation created by the betrayal.  I can feel the resolve in place, although there is judgement.

It still hurts and there is blame and that hurts too.  I know the truth of it without the slant put on it and I will be able to fix it. This was not me at fault.  It's just a part of life that can be judged or skewed any which way. 

These are the experiences in life that are here to teach us, but only if we want to learn.  If you want to look at it with anger and blame, then it will just keep hurting.  I don't want to, so I open my arms to let it in and learn.  It shows me that what I feel is right.  It validates what I know. I see the depth of how much I can trust myself now.

I look back at the situation of today after a few days go by. Now that it’s handled, I recognize that it did hurt me deeply. That’s the inevitable pain of living in the world. No matter what you say to me and how many reasons why you think what you did is right, it may even be right in your view, but you’re not me.

If I say it’s not right for me, it’s not.  Your judgments, the ones you made filtered through your own distortions, tell me that what you think is more important than seeing what is really right, right before you. I can understand. I know what it feels like to not be able to see, I know it. 

What you see isn’t me.  What you see is what you choose to see.  But, your judgments, they affected me.  That’s why I get this part of the story.  I felt the pain and I felt the betrayal. I felt the additional strain and stress your choices caused me. That’s what hurt, that’s the inevitable part. 

The rest of it though, that’s what lets it go, the optional part.  It still hurts. I can still feel anger when thinking about it, but I’m not up for thinking about it, especially at night. I want my peace and sleep instead.  

Stewing over it, playing it over and over again in my mind for days will not serve either of us.  I did do that for a few hours. I let the optional pain expand that hurt for a time, but then, within myself, I knew.  I knew exactly what to do. I validate the inevitable pain and then chose to stop the optional pain.

I felt the power within that new wisdom.  Wow I thought.  This is why this is here for me.  Remember, I promised myself I would learn from this.  I now keep promises to myself. In this, I get to see how far I’ve come, how strong I am and how much I’ve changed.  It’s all happening within me.

I know how to transform hurt and feel gratitude knowing everything around me is perfect at any given time. Even when I have the experience of hurt and what I perceive as betrayal, I can choose how much more there is to see. I can create a perfectness in the reality of these life experiences.

How much more I feel this truth now and live this truth. The more I allow the inevitable pain to be what it is and the optional pain to go away, is how often I feel free. That’s my choice.  I feel more powerful.  I feel beautiful.  I feel connected to a knowing, a knowing placed within me that is there to guide me. I found it.

Life is partly of pain, that’s inevitable.  The rest of it, it’s all optional.  All of it. Today I’m now feeling gratitude for all the things that show me who I am and what I feel.  The betrayal that reminds me I don’t always know what’s right, but I do always know what’s right for me and often, they are the same.

The grief shows me how alive I am. It also shows me how strong it makes me and that I get to choose how I can be exactly as I desire to be. My desire is to be happy.  Happy even in the pain.  Happy even with the betrayal.  Happy in the grief.  Happy in the happy.

This is my path from pain to peace. It's here again to guide me to walk that path.  It’s here to show me that I can do it.  I’m learning that I can do it in any circumstances as each pain guides me to more peace.