Unconditional Love

This little sign, it was a Valentine gift from one of my best friends.  It’s April.  We have that kind of relationship.  I’ll take a Valentine's gift any day of the year. I don’t expect anything on Valentines from her nor her from me, but we can give gifts any time and it’s beautiful to receive. 

It’s the love we have that gives us this kind of unconditional acceptance.  The kind of unconditional love that’s taught me more in this last year about love than my whole marriage of 12 years and 9 months. And yes, of course, my marriage was a major base for all I’m learning now. It is the foundation that set me up to be ready to learn what I am learning now.

I didn’t forget that. I learned a lot about love there, but not unconditional love.  I guess we weren’t ready for that. Who is really? Except I want that, so I want to be ready, really.  In fact in these 21 months since I lost what I thought was the “love of my life” I’ve learned more about real love than I have in any other time in my life. 

Who would have thought learning more about love would be the major growth lessons to come out of my mourning the loss of my love and grief that it has brought? These potent lessons come from figuring out what loving Grant means now that he’s gone.  I look back on what it meant before he was gone. It is now in a different way than I could have when he was here and if he still was here.

I feel how important all of it is, even more so for what it will mean in the future for me, my children and anyone else that could come into our family.   All this teaches me, in a new way, what loving in life means. 

How I loved my kids then and after he died and more importantly, now. What loving friends means. What loving myself means. What loving in relationships of any kind means; especially for me moving forward, painfully and hopefully to one day start a new relationship.  

In all this, what the loss of such a close loved one brought were lessons that became very clear, very quickly.  Those who could help me, love me and be there for me emerged in places I didn’t expect.  Also, those who couldn’t or wouldn’t.  Those who I thought would be there, but fell away in the volatility of the situation. That was a surprise. 

This friend who gave me this cute little wooden plaque, this sign, she showed up after Grant died.  We were more casual friends before, but then it all changed.  She is always there, consistently. She shows up for me. It’s different now and far more beautiful.

I’ve heard it said that after someone dies, you find out who your true friends are.  I don’t know that that’s true, I think people show up how they can where they’re at.  I wouldn’t expect a close friend to support me if he or she couldn’t handle what I was going through.  That’s not a fair expectation for a friend. I get that and expect nothing more of friends who can’t give more.  But I’ve seen the true friends and new friends that show up and that’s been beautiful.  

Before Grant died I had other friends who were much closer to me.  We talked regularly. Right after Grant died, there was this shock conversation and then, I didn’t hear from some for over a year or more. Others I still haven’t heard from since.  It’s as if they didn’t know how to relate to me anymore.

Part of me wonders if it’s because there is now an aspect that is not the same anymore.  If I’m not who I was before this all happened (and that’s how we related) then how do we continue to relate?  I don’t know, so we don’t anymore. That’s another surprise and a loss too. 

It’s been sad and hard to add this into my grief, but it’s also shown me how to put love and time into relationships, no matter what kind.  What I’m learning is the unconditional state of loving. It’s not something you do, it’s a state of being.  I’m learning it because I didn’t know how to give it before and so I hadn’t received it before whether it was given or not.  I’m learning it now and it feels really good, I love it.

So, back to this friend, on the same day she gave me that wooden sign that said, “You’re the friend everyone wishes they had,” she listened to me tell yet another story of why I felt anger.  Anger at Grant for leaving me by dying, anger he’s dead, anger he did what he did and all that’s come from it for me. The impact on me.   Blah blah blah… I go. 

She listens. She has this way of holding space for me in my pain, coddling me for just a moment to show she really does hear me, understand me and sees what I feel.  She listens, then she smiles.  Her eyes fill with the love, understanding and wisdom of unconditional love. 

She looked at me in her own beauty and said to me this time, “Ahh, I just realized something.”  What?  I said “You’re not practicing faith.  When you have true faith, there is no need for anger.  You don’t currently believe God will really take care of you without Grant.”

“So you’re still angry at Grant because you had faith in that relationship but it’s not here. So either you don’t believe God has the power or desire to take care of you now. Or you believe without Grant He’s not taking care of you how you think He should be taking care of you.” And she said it smiling with no judgement whatsoever.

I froze, mouth agape.  I took it in, as I immediately began to form the argument in my head at how that is so not true. But I didn’t say a word.  A little gasp escaped my open mouth as I realized.  I brought my lips together, pursed them and finally smiled.   I knew that what she said was so true! 

God!  If I really believed God, I wouldn't have any reason to be angry, even with the huge list of justifications I just love to review, as to why I could. The truth is, I was angry at Grant still. Why?  Because it feels better to justify pain.  The justification of pain I let live in me. Why? Because I am not using faith around what I know is true. I am living in chosen ignorance not because I don’t know there is a different way. 

I’m not choosing to believe what I have believed in the past apparently. So instead of living in faith, I chose to look at what I happened and use it all to justify having anger instead of faith.  Well, anger is there.  That’s true.  But, I’m the one choosing to keep the anger and even grow it. 

This is the way I thought I could feel good about having more anger. It also shows me what I really want is to feel good.  But I feel anger. So then, by keeping the anger, even growing it, I could justify not having to feel guilty about having anger. So I'm trying to bring the two together and that won’t bring what I’m trying to find, which is a good thing. 

I know I can choose to feel good, despite that list of reasons why I am justified in the anger.  It’s as if it’s a punishment from me to Grant.  It’s not.  It’s only to me… and even that ignites another anger.  So, now I see, I’ve kept anger too long.  That revelation is a new level on which to place my faith. I’m now more empowered to choose what would feel better for me and to  me.  I see it’s my choice and now I see it in a different way, again.  

My mind is blown...  I look at her in the energy of all this revelation. What kind of a friend tells you that?!  I think of the sign SHE gave me. She is the friend who is the kind everyone wishes they had.  She gave that sign to me, but she is that message to me.  Mind blown again… I want to be that kind of friend.  That’s what I want.  I want to be that to her and all of those I love, unconditionally.

How perfect I think.  I’m baffled...   Oh. My. God. I can’t believe how much God loves me.  I can’t believe how much I am loved.  I can’t believe (He, She, They) the God I believe in is here, with me, taking care of me.  Because of all this, I now see how I want to choose to stop the ‘can’t-ing’.  I can.  I can do everything needed and wanted.  I can choose. 

God is holding me, taking care of me, loving me and showing me.  Showing me what I haven’t lost and even more, what I’ve received.   It’s so much.  Oh God, it’s so much!  I’ve been given so much.  I’m so grateful.   I hear it, the little nudge, “Look around Janae. Here it is: look at your family, look at your friends, and look at those here to help you.  See it.” I do!  I see it. 

I hear it, no matter what happens.  You are loved. You are cherished. You are supported.  And you know what Janae, you actually aren’t the only one who’s choosing the people in your life.  We have a lot to do with that.  Cause you know what? We see a lot and so We're here to show  you how there is more. Even more than you can even see and We are giving it without you seeing it.  

Yes, We do take away, but We are very much involved in the giving.  Giving of even more than what’s taken.  We see all that’s going to be taken and We’re here to help you in that. We’re here take care of you in everyway because of the inevitability of that very thing. In that, though, you still get to choose what you want to see too. You get that choice, it’s yours from Us, because We love you.  

You see those who are here now, the friends that showed up because We called them. We put that in their hearts to come and they answered Our call. And, ya know what else?  Those friends who fell away, they left because that’s also how We called them to be in your life as it changed.  We extend the invitation for the change in the hearts of all Our children.  We are orchestrating it for you Our sweet girl, Janae.   

I just learned I don’t get to choose how God decides to take care of me or you for that matter. I do get to look and SEE what is happening if and when I choose.  This friend, God tells me, the one here in front of you right now that brought that sign; it’s a sign my dear. She is right in front of you.  The evidence of how true God is for you.  The evidence of the things you can have faith in.

And yes, you can choose to not have that faith, but We are here, truly showing you how cared for you are.  We will be here to do that whether you choose to see it or not. We won’t stop giving that. So you can let go of what’s not true and be happy. You can also hang on to your anger and justifications and be that instead.  Either way, We’re all here loving you. Unconditionally.  Ahhh… I see it.  Now I can be it.  Unconditionally.