Do I still love Grant?

Do Still love Grant?  That’s easy, no.  I don’t.  I sure don’t feel it anyway. Part of that is out of sight out of mind and that is exacerbated by him dying the way he did. Part of it is me wanting to punish him for it by forgetting him because I felt he forgot about me by leaving me the way he did. I feel like he abandoned his boys. 

How can l love him anymore?  I keep spiraling into these thoughts. I felt really sad today because of something else that happened; a situation in the present with someone alive who is not Grant. This friend did something that felt very betraying and it hurt a lot.

Grant wasn’t there to uplift nor defend me. It brought to my awareness another aspect of this loss I’m experiencing and the pain that gets brought up in present day interactions.  It’s about how that past death, pain, loss and sadness stay present.  I’m not sure now that I’ll get over it, but more so learn to live with it. As life happens, it seems it’s all a connected reminder. 

My thoughts spiral from here, this pain currently into thoughts around unconditional love.  I thought about how I want to just be loved unconditionally.  How I felt Grant didn’t do that in our marriage.  How I felt I did do that for him to the greatest of my capacity. I did love him unconditionally and I still didn’t feel that back from him, in life and especially not in death. 

Perhaps he was loving me unconditionally in his own capacity? From what I know now, I remember what we had; the love, the life, it now felt so very conditional. My anger now once again ignited… After all I've been through, I deserve to be loved unconditionally because I know how to love unconditionally, I think to myself. 

Then… these feelings settled into me.  It hurt and I felt antsy.  My anger and frustration around this present situation and my desire to be loved unconditionally grew. I decided I needed to go for a run.  As I walked out the door, I thought to myself again, all I want is to be loved unconditionally.  That’s all I want.  I deserve that.  Why do I not have it?!
As I began to run, the pounding of the pavement began to soothe me.  My thoughts commenced calming and my body flowed with my rhythm. I started to feel better.  My mind became open again as I began to relax and feel the moment. I wanted to hear a song.  I picked up my playlist from where it left off from last time. 

The song that began to play, remarkably, was ‘Unconditional’ by Katy Perry.  How fitting I thought with a laugh at the title of the song as I’d just been wanting exactly that, unconditional love. I was thinking this is a sign of how much I deserve it. 

I’m now running with a smile as I think how the synchronicities in my life seem to support my every desire.  The lyrics begin:

Oh, no, did I get too close?
Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?
All your insecurities
All the dirty laundry
Never made me blink one time
Unconditional, unconditionally

Yup, exactly I thought with Grant, I saw everything in you and loved you anyway, unconditionally.   You saw the things you didn’t like in me and instead of loving me anyway, you complained. You criticized and you demanded that I see what you see so you could help me be better so you could love me.  You thought you were loving me, but it hurt. 

It didn’t feel like love. It was conditional love. You didn’t treat me the way I treated you. I took everything and made it into something beautiful for you.   You couldn't take what I was unless it was already to your standard of what you wanted.  That’s why I hate you, my mind rehearsed. 

The song went on…
I will love you unconditionally

There is no fear now

Let go and just be free

I will love you unconditionally

Sure I think, how nice would that be.  I’ve got to let go, then I can be free… then I can be loved unconditionally.  I think this at Grant in response to that part of the song.  The words continue as I continue to run.

Come just as you are to me
Don't need apologies
Know that you are worthy

I'll take your bad days with your good
Walk through the storm,
I would do it all because I love you

I love you

I hear a voice in my soul.  It feels as if it’s coming from me but yet from somewhere outside of me. I recognize there is someone asking my heart - So you want to be loved unconditionally?   Yes, I respond. The song is still blaring in my ears. I look around wondering where the questioner is.

It is coming from within me and from the place where I know there is grace, where resides the Savior.  I feel cherished now as if the questioner is inviting me to look at what is possible.  My steps continue to pound in beat to the song.

It then came to me.  My heart responded to the gentle inviting. Then… can YOU love unconditionally? Yes I respond! Of course I can and I do!  I answer with slight indignation. This is where it all changes while I am still running in rhythm to that song.

The piercing question, the one that changes everything and is still asked in a loving way.  Do you really? (I thought I answered that already). Well, then do you love Grant unconditionally? This probing, loving, inviting question to clarify to me and for me and in me, if I indeed am doing what I claim. 

This is where the sobs began, when this inner dialogue got to here. I began to cry, sobbing with each step. I experienced this lesson of unconditional love, through a sweet invitation to look at where I was not doing it, so I could have it.  It felt so freeing, so big, so new, and so transformational. My life will never be the same. 

It all hit me… I wasn’t doing it. I wasn’t loving Grant unconditionally. If I can’t love him anymore - and I haven’t been - then I am not loving Grant still.  That means my love was conditional, just as conditional as I am claiming his love to have been.  Apparently since he died, I wouldn’t love him anymore and so my love was conditional upon it looking like what I want it to look like. 

Oh God… how could I have claimed to love him unconditionally then stopped the minute he died.  That’s so conditional! Then I ask myself… Can I? Can I really love him unconditionally? And my honest answer, I don’t know… I really don’t know and because I didn’t know, I cried the rest of the run. 

I’m outside in the middle of the street, sobbing outside by in my own internal world. I am moving forward in this run, contemplating the answer to the simple question… Can I love Grant still?  Unconditionally?   If I could, I know that would change everything.

At this moment, I don’t know if I can and that hurts so much. This hollows out all my pride and indignation. This is true pain. The next question I have for myself is... How can I love unconditionally then?  How can I love Grant unconditionally? The only way to change that answer to can I, is to ask how do I?

 I then ask how do I love Grant unconditionally? With this question my brain can go to work on answering how. And I can fall into grace till I have the answer.  Now I have a knowing that I can.  If there is an answer to how, then I know I can do it.  If I can, if I am capable, that means I will. 

If I will, that means I do love unconditionally. If it’s true that I do love unconditionally, I can actually, really be loved unconditionally. Suddenly now I see it’s up to me to love unconditionally. Then, I will love and be loved unconditionally.  I see my love unconditionally now.  Thanks, Katy Perry! Thanks, God! I will love you Grant, unconditionally. Well, at least I am working on how to do just that.