Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Still Around, Not Ready to Leave
I keep thinking this morning about that last hug from Grant. I remember the way his arms held me and how prominent his body was. Well, not his body, but his presence. His body was gone.
Gravestone
It’s time to pick a gravestone. Yep, I know, it’s been 2 years. It's probably past time. I don’t live by a certain time frame for this though. Grant doesn’t have a grave or a gravestone or any memorial to speak of right now. There are a lot of reasons for this.
Hard Lessons (That Helmet Part II)
There’s a deep dent in the helmet you wore when you died. It’s the point of impact where your head hit the rock. The medical examiner who accompanied us on our pilgrimage to the site, he showed us the rock you were lying next to. He surmised that that's what created the dent based on your body position.
Capturing Death
That mount you put on your helmet to hold the go pro, so you could record your trips flying in the sky? What it captured the very last time it was ever used. It recorded that which was the moment you went from flying to falling. That transition from life to death.
That Helmet
Why did you even wear a helmet Grant?! It’s not like it can protect you from hundreds of feet high. That helmet made no difference in safety. Oh… yeah, to mount the go pro video camera, that’s probably why, so you could film everything. It gave you some sense of power or importance, freedom or control that is clear.
All Your Stuff
I started crying today. Not because I missed you but because I saw your truck. It was in a video. All your people - the crew, they were in the truck. They were driving it to the mountains. It was a party for them. They are road tripping to film a video and doing it in your truck.
He Died Doing What He Loved
I remember we got so many sympathy cards the week Grant died. It’s a beautiful thing for someone to send a card, but in the wake of the death of your husband with 4 small children still around, alive and now without dad; the last thing you want is any mail to open. Every letter, every card is a reminder of what just happened.
Angel Blessings
I can hear his laugh when I look at this picture. A squeal and a deep belly laugh all mixed into one. And those missing teeth… wow! It’s a moment to capture. With those 2 missing front teeth and an extra tooth next to the one that came out… well that smile… it says it all.
I Remember He Wasn’t There
Grant was in Salt Lake, the place he chose to leave. I was in Hurricane where he had moved our family, in the beautiful red rocks of Southern Utah. He went back for SIV training. It’s advanced paragliding training. It’s the kind of training that’s supposed to give him extra refined skills and time to practice those skills needed in an emergency. The kind of skills that should save your life in an emergency. The kind of skills that should make it so you don’t die paragliding. He took that training 6 weeks before he died.
I Finally Took Off My Wedding Ring
Both of our wedding rings sit in a box under my bathroom counter by the lotion, the sunscreen and the mouthwash. When my husband died, I looked at my left hand with the ring on it. I’ll never take this off, I thought. I’m still married. After 2 months of doing his jobs and mine and grieving it all; I looked at my left hand and the ring on it and thought, he’s not here, this is a lie.
Date Night
How do you keep something alive? You care for and nourish it of course. If you want the love you feel to live and grow, you nourish it. If you love, that’s natural to want to keep the love alive. Love is a living, changing entity. Our marriage was a living thing. We nourished it. The entity of our marriage was a living breathing existence of energy that, when loved itself, would give both of us life, or, when neglected, would steal life force from each of us.
Hearts Everywhere
I see hearts everywhere now. WHY? Well, as I walked away from the site where Grant crashed, Grant told me he’d send me hearts so I’d know he was watching over me. He wanted me to know he was still loving me, even now that he’s not in this place where I am. “Every time you see a heart, it’s from me,” were the words that came into my heart and mind from him while I was visiting the site of his last place alive and first place dead.
Did You Know That Picture Was For Your Funeral?
He took this picture after his last haircut. He sent it to me to show off how clean cut and handsome he thought he looked with a new haircut. He got his haircut every six weeks, on the dot. If it went past six weeks, he’d complain incessantly till he got it cut. I knew of his schedule. I was gone for this hair cut, so he sent me a photo. He was so proud to stay right on schedule.
I Won’t Tell Your Secret
Grant crashed our motorhome on the drive home from the dealership within 3 hours of buying it. Oh shit… That’s the secret, I just told it. The one I promised him I wouldn’t tell. Well… that was when you were alive Grant. I kept that promise. I never told anyone while you were alive. I didn’t because you were important to me. How you felt was even more important to me. Telling your secret would have hurt you. I never wanted to do that.
Back To A Place We’d Been Before
I had an oddly familiar feeling as I walked the grounds of this hotel. Why did I feel as if I’d been there? We had just made a pit stop on our 10 hour drive to visit Grant’s brother and his family. A potty break for little boys and stretching for mom. Now that I road trip as a lone parent and the only driver with 4 little boys, I like to take my time. I make lots of stops to enjoy the journey with boys, kind of like what I’m trying to do in life now anyway.
Grant’s Last Day Alive
It started like every other day of our lives. The ending was like no other day had been. I will never get the events of that night out of my head. I will never get the feelings of that day out of my heart. The day, it couldn't have been a more tender and sweet last day. Grant woke early and left around 6 am to go flying. He loved the morning flight time, just as the sun was rising and the heat hadn’t hit yet. It invigorated him.
No Risk No Fun…
When Grant first took this picture, I thought it was funny. Yeah I thought, to risk is to live fully. That’s what it means, right? To not watch from the sidelines. To live fully is fun. Yes there is risk in action, participation and trying new vistas in life, but that doesn’t mean inappropriate risk or foolish choices. It means to take a chance at something new and different and outside current knowledge and comforts.
Angelic Instructions
I went on a walk with my mom. We walked in silence. What do you say anyway? She patiently held a space for me, watched me, helped me with the kids, but I’m sure she didn’t really know the right thing to do or say. Just being there was where she needed to be, and all I needed really.
