Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
When I Sleep
It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep. I’ve been up since 7 am yesterday when the baby came in. I know he’ll be up and in my room again at the same time in just a few hours. Why can’t I sleep? Tonight anyway, it’s because I don’t want to get in my bed.
The Color White
White is my favorite color. I love to wear it, see it, decorate with it, feel it, surround myself with it, and everything I buy; my first choice is white. Being the mom of 4 young boys and loving to wear white and have it all around is kind of a travesty. Nothing stays white, but that is because it shows everything, which is part of my point.
Memorial Day
Last year on Memorial Day, I had an eerie recognition that the day meant something different to me now than it ever had. I ignored it. I don’t know what we did that day. I just got through the kids having a day off of school. At that time, each day was still a blur even though it had been by that time, it had been 10 months since Grant died.
Why I Keep Your Helmet
I keep the helmet you wore when you died in the storage room. I don’t see it often, but enough. On good days, I pass right by it. On hard days, I stare at it and forget why I came into the storage room. It is in the Grant section on a shelf where it stays.
Do I still love Grant?
Do Still love Grant? That’s easy, no. I don’t. I sure don’t feel it anyway. Part of that is out of sight out of mind and that is exacerbated by him dying the way he did. Part of it is me wanting to punish him for it by forgetting him because I felt he forgot about me by leaving me the way he did. I feel like he abandoned his boys.
Pain Of Betrayal
This particular morning, the day began hard and life kept hitting, hard, as happens sometimes. This day reminded me of what it feels like at the beach on a day when the ocean waves are unrelenting, when they are just pounding the sand. They keep coming, and don’t seem to stop; you gotta survive till you can find a way out or stay out of the water.
Unconditional Love
This little sign, it was a Valentine gift from one of my best friends. It’s April. We have that kind of relationship. I’ll take a Valentine's gift any day of the year. I don’t expect anything on Valentines from her nor her from me, but we can give gifts any time and it’s beautiful to receive.
I Know
It’s been an hour since I’ve seen my baby. He’s usually toddling around following one of his brothers or sometimes doing his own thing. I hear him in the background of everything I’m doing. This morning I’ve been writing, cleaning up the kitchen and planning a future full of amazingness. I’ve done all this while putting groceries away and making phone calls, all at once, yeah, welcome to an hour in the life. All this, while I’ve been contemplating a relationship I have and how to show up in it. Things of the heart, they take your attention, yet, I’m still aware of my kids, each one of them, always.
Marbles and Grief
I felt the grief take over me. It was the first time or it felt like it. It feels like the first time every time. Maybe because it’s new, maybe because it’s different every time. A friend shared with me a beautiful story of small objects that now have symbolic meaning to him because of certain experiences he’s had. He placed these objects together and took a picture to have it all in one place to remember.
Trail of Crumbs
The power of Influence vs force. I’m learning how to be in influence without forcing. I’ve discovered it starts with a process of accepting. It’s a process of acceptance in general. Today, my 9 year old son was reading at the counter. The floor was covered in crumbs and that bugs me, a lot. The crumbs bug me, not his reading at the counter.
Do I Really Believe What I Say? No, Not Anymore
Back to that night in the park, the one I remembered from two weeks before he died, it’s haunted me since. Why? Because there is more to that night, the story and the last thing I said. When I think back on how I used to think… wow… I can’t believe I said that 2 weeks before he died. Do I really believe what I say? No, not anymore. Not when I tell a lie I didn’t think was a lie then, but don’t realize it is until it’s too late.
Believing Lies
I watched Grant take off, off into the sky. We were at the park. It was our family routine. We’d go to the park an hour before sunset many nights of the week. Grant packed up the paramotor and I’d gather the kids. We’d head to the park where he’d unload everything. As he did, he’d draw a crowd who’d watch in awe as he set up and took off. Showing us all it’s possible for man to fly.
Stop Waiting
I have some quiet time, but I never know how much. I’m sitting here in my office, the one I designed. Many things I could/should be doing, but I sit here. I have a few minutes of precious quiet time with nothing to distract or interrupt.
Angel Blessings
I can hear his laugh when I look at this picture. A squeal and a deep belly laugh all mixed into one. And those missing teeth… wow! It’s a moment to capture. With those 2 missing front teeth and an extra tooth next to the one that came out… well that smile… it says it all.
The Secret To Beauty
What is beauty anyway? It’s said that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. It is but that’s so easy to say. What does it mean?
Stop To Create More
I know a man who doesn’t believe in God. There is no life after this one in his mind. I’ve come to a different conclusion, I’ve experienced life after this one, not myself, but through death, Grant’s death.
Beautiful Alternate Reality
There’s a mother I know, she’s not what the world would consider beautiful on the outside. She’s pale, overweight, stressed, she struggles in her marriage and you can see hurt in her eyes when she looks up and tries to smile. She believes in God, but feels like she’s not good enough for God’s standard, so her light dims. I can see the heavens shed a tear in the moment that the beauty of her life is missed.
Eyes Tell the Story of Experience
When I look at pictures of my boys, I look at their eyes. I see their innocence. In the eyes one can see all what’s going on in the soul. I always seen a sense of naivety appropriate to their age. Its part of what adults cherish in the eyes of children. The naivety comes with not knowing the pain of loss, loss that ultimately happens in life if you are in it for very long.
I Remember He Wasn’t There
Grant was in Salt Lake, the place he chose to leave. I was in Hurricane where he had moved our family, in the beautiful red rocks of Southern Utah. He went back for SIV training. It’s advanced paragliding training. It’s the kind of training that’s supposed to give him extra refined skills and time to practice those skills needed in an emergency. The kind of skills that should save your life in an emergency. The kind of skills that should make it so you don’t die paragliding. He took that training 6 weeks before he died.
I Finally Took Off My Wedding Ring
Both of our wedding rings sit in a box under my bathroom counter by the lotion, the sunscreen and the mouthwash. When my husband died, I looked at my left hand with the ring on it. I’ll never take this off, I thought. I’m still married. After 2 months of doing his jobs and mine and grieving it all; I looked at my left hand and the ring on it and thought, he’s not here, this is a lie.
