Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Keep Smiling
It was as if Grant was there laughing with me. When it came to the one thing he wanted to say to me, he let me know. It's all good he was saying, ‘ I’ll take the shitty bathroom, you just keep smiling Janae.’
A Love Note to Whom I Love Most
Do you See Me? I see you. I sit quietly, observing you. You don’t notice me and that’s ok. My life is very different from yours, so I don’t expect you to understand. I understand where you are, even though you may think I don’t, and perhaps I don’t.
Critic or Magic
I used to be so critical of myself. This picture, after we took it, I remember thinking how frumpy I thought I was. My hair frizzy and not done, my clothes baggy, my back hunched, my elbows chubby and no make up on. I hated how I looked in those pictures.
Birthdays and Milestones
I turned 40 this month. It seems to be a milestone birthday. I remember when my mother turned 40. I thought she was old. For her birthday, friends and family got a coffin to decorate with, and also a lot of all black.
The First Time I Left Them
I was so afraid to leave them for the first time, after their dad died. I had to take a picture before I left. It was just in case it was the last time I saw them. I wanted to make sure to have that last moment with me captured. We didn’t have that when dad died.
Caliber of Woman
I remember the words coming out of your mouth so clearly, Grant… of all that I do, all that I did, and what I mostly heard was only one part of it… ‘What kind of caliber woman would do that?’
Party For Grant
The 3 year anniversary of Grant’s passing has come and gone. On the previous two anniversaries of this day, I just try to get through the day as if it’s nothing, because it isn’t a day I want to remember.
Every Light In The House Is On
At the beginning of July, as we approached the 3 year anniversary of your death, a song from a long time ago kept running through my mind. It was a song that I listened to as a teenager when I loved country music.
I Remember When It Was Just Us
I remember when it was just us. It was you and I. There was nothing that didn’t work for us. You and me, me and you and we smiled. Flower leis, travel and so many things for us to discover together. This was one of your favorite places, Hawaii.
This Will Kill You
Inside of me, there were words, coming from the ache in my stomach. My stomach really hurt. It was a real physical stomach ache, but I didn’t know why it hurt so badly. I get them every once in a while, but this time is was different.
10 Years Ahead
In 2019, when Grant died. I was grasping for absolutely anything. I bought this calendar, a 10 year planner. I needed to plan the next 10 years of my life, to be able to get through that day I bought it. I started doing just that. The first thing I wrote in it was the anniversary of Grant’s death.
Incomplete Grief
It’s those things you didn't get to say before you didn't have the chance anymore. Of course you didn’t know you wouldn’t have the chance. The human brain seems to think that things won’t change. Although the evidence that is constant is, that change is the only thing constant.
My Miracle
A few months after Grant died, I was on a road trip with the boys. We were going back to the home in St. George where we’d lived when he died. This was going to be the first time back since that happened. We had left shortly after his death because I couldn’t be there.
I Had A Thought
I had a thought. What if loving someone could actually help me in my life? It was a fleeting thought. For a moment, before it left my mind, I thought maybe it could possibly come true. What if it could be true?
