Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
How Am I Doing? Don’t Ask Me
Please stop asking me how am I doing, I have no answer. Friends and family close to me are often asked, “How is Janae doing?” by others who know me. It also comes from those who are thinking of me and have heard my husband died, thus leaving me with 4 little boys. I think people want a connection to me within this raw reality, or a reassurance that I’m ok, but somehow they don’t feel able to ask me themselves.
No Risk No Fun…
When Grant first took this picture, I thought it was funny. Yeah I thought, to risk is to live fully. That’s what it means, right? To not watch from the sidelines. To live fully is fun. Yes there is risk in action, participation and trying new vistas in life, but that doesn’t mean inappropriate risk or foolish choices. It means to take a chance at something new and different and outside current knowledge and comforts.
The First Halloween
The first Halloween without Grant, I was annoyed at all the pictures of families, the ones with dads planning, coordinating costumes with their children. This is a favorite holiday of our children and like usual, it is stressful for me as I tried to appease all the costume desires of 4 different boys.
The Last Picture
Grant had been dead for almost 3 months.
I took the boys to Cornbelly’s. It’s a fall festival with all sorts of fun turn-of-the-season games including a corn maze. It was nearly Halloween. It was the first ‘fun’ thing I’d taken the boys to do on my own.
Not All Of Me Is Here
When I got to Hawaii, I went to our beach. It was where we kissed for the first time. It was also where we went right after our wedding. On the way to our honeymoon hotel, we passed this same beach. We looked at each other, “Let’s stop!” we both said, then laughed and smiled. We stopped there and it became another first for us.
Angelic Instructions
I went on a walk with my mom. We walked in silence. What do you say anyway? She patiently held a space for me, watched me, helped me with the kids, but I’m sure she didn’t really know the right thing to do or say. Just being there was where she needed to be, and all I needed really.
Air That Kills
The wind storm in our town canceled school. I’ve never heard of anything like that. Wind? Canceling school??? Good grief! Are you serious? The kids are only in school 2 days a week anyway because of COVID and now I’m losing one of those two precious days because the air is acting up? You’ve got to be kidding me!
Smiling In Pain
The first Saturday after, August 2, 2019, we held a Celebration of Life. It was one of 3 events held to honor my newly passed on husband, Grant Thompson. This was the first Celebration we held of Grant’s Life. It had been 5 days. Grant died that prior Monday. At this point I didn’t know if my own world was real anymore. I was in total shock and that had been since the moment they told me, “Your husband is deceased.”
I Knew Before I Knew
It was 9:30pm on July 29th. He’d promised to be home by 9:30. I looked at my phone as I snuggled in my bed with my 8 year old. He played Zelda and I read my book.
My Mom Said I Would Die Young…
I like to say we went on our first date to Hawaii. It’s not totally true, but it is where we had our first kiss. It was the best first kiss I’d ever had, so I decided it would be perfect to end dating with the best and make it my last first kiss.
2nd Dead Anniversary
Tomorrow is my second wedding anniversary without Grant. What does that make tomorrow for me? The 2nd dead Anniversary? The first one was too soon, only 2 months after he died. I was in a complete haze of life still. We had planned to go to Hawaii that year during our anniversary. Hawaii is where we got married. We’d already paid for our rental house, so I went anyway with my boys.
Grant Lived for Tomorrow
Grant grew up really poor. His clothes all came from a second hand store. For breakfast when he was young, his family had oatmeal with powdered milk diluted by half to stretch it to last longer.
Keep Dreaming Little One
This little boy of mine, he just fell asleep next to me. I watch as his eyes close, then open and close again. A few more times and then they stay shut. His eyelashes floating down to the longest length you can possibly see. They are like the long wisps of feathers, hovering over his cherubic cheeks.
Thank You For Praying
Ever heard the phrase, “You don’t know me, but I’ve been praying for you.” I’ve heard that so many times recently. And I know it’s true that people have been. I’ve felt the prayers, all of them. They’ve carried me.
False Alarm
For the first time in months, I was asleep before 10 pm! My little 6 year old asleep soundly next to me. My boy wants to sleep with mommy and since there’s no one who sleeps in that space where daddy once slept; I think, sure you can sleep with me.
Sleeping With Angels
My little boy is sleeping next to me. Nearly every night one of my boys asks, “Mom, can I sleep with you?” The question always gives me conflict. I see you. A tiny person who wants to be close to the big person who makes you feel safe. Who is safe. The one who they know is their ‘home.’ I fully understand I am their safe place.
The Heavens Cried With Me
The day it all started, July 30th. The day after Grant died, the day we all found out. That day was a blur. I don’t remember it. People were appearing out of nowhere. I had no idea why they were there or why they kept coming. Grant was dead, if they cared about him, there was nothing they could do for him or with him. So it didn’t make sense why they were coming.
Running Away
My body told me to run everyday for 10 minutes. 10 minutes is something I can do. The beautiful thing about 10 minutes is it’s so underwhelming that once I start, cause starting is the hard part, I don’t want to stop after 10 minutes and if I do, I can.
