Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Finding Grant
It was just after 11:30 now. I’d called the police, I’d given them the description and GPS location. Now I was just waiting. I sat in my bed pondering, “What is this?” It felt big. That’s why and when I finally texted Grant’s family. Even though I did that, it was to include them in our experience, the reality wasn’t there in me. It hadn’t hit me yet. I just knew there was some story, some explanation that would make it all make sense like everything that had happened to us in the past. Somehow, something, someone would make it all better and okay.
My First Angel Picture
You can believe everything is a miracle or nothing is a miracle. I see everything as a miracle. A little baby finds a flower perfectly formed and picks it to show mommy its beauty. Look at this! He’s seeing it for the first time in awe. And his impulse is to share it with the one he loves. That’s a miracle. And his face, that reveals what he sees as a miracle. Remember that everything can be a miracle if you want to see it that way. That’s how you get to choose.
I Won’t Tell Your Secret
Grant crashed our motorhome on the drive home from the dealership within 3 hours of buying it. Oh shit… That’s the secret, I just told it. The one I promised him I wouldn’t tell. Well… that was when you were alive Grant. I kept that promise. I never told anyone while you were alive. I didn’t because you were important to me. How you felt was even more important to me. Telling your secret would have hurt you. I never wanted to do that.
Dreams Come True
I had a dream. I saw myself running up a mountain directly from my backyard. I didn’t want to have to hike to the mountain or to run to it or to drive to it or to even walk to it. I wanted to exit my back door, look up and start going up. If I had that mountain, I’d do that every day. It would be my workout too. I would go up as fast as I could. I’d go up that mountain with my heart leading me all the way.
Powerful You
Imagine with me an alternate place…
A place that knows and reveals ALL things both in heaven and on earth and in the human heart as well. Would you want to be around or near this place? Would you dare to? Would you believe it was real? Would you want to know where this place is? I would!
Choice And Change
I moved again. In this last year I’ve moved my children twice. Once to get away from the place Grant died. The second time to get away from the place Grant lived. Both places are not where I can be free to move forward. So, right now as I write this, I’m sitting in the house I just bought all by myself. Alone, just me.
Christmas Present
Being Present. That is the best Gift you can give. Ever. I know. I remember the times I wasn’t present while Grant was alive. Now he’s gone and I wish I could go back and relish those moments I didn’t cherish in the moment, not knowing that they would end. Then, I was unconsciously feeling that not every moment mattered, taking them for granted, taking so much for granted. When I say that now I laugh. Such a potent reminder now, I’ve lost what I took for GRANTed. It’s gone. He’s gone.
The Last Cup
We have a daily routine. I’ve maintained it for years. We drink a glass of celery juice to start the day, most mornings anyway. I’m not perfect ok? Then we have smoothies. I put them in glass jars because I like the way they taste in glass. It’s fresher and feels more authentic to the flavor of what’s in there. Glass also seems to preserve the juice longer.
The Blind Fight
My new bedroom in my new house in my new life is finished. Finished enough for me to sleep there. I moved my bed from the make-shift bedroom I was using that’s really my small office. I’ve been sleeping in my small office for 3 months. We finally got the new carpet for the new house I just bought. This house that I live in now because I couldn’t live in Grant’s house anymore.
I Couldn’t Get Out of Bed
What caught my attention today, were the toys of our little boy. He brought up all his toys so he could play with them in my newly finished room. Now that I’m here, the kids are drawn to this space. Wherever I go, they follow. I can just sit somewhere and pretty soon, all 4 of our children have gathered.
Back To A Place We’d Been Before
I had an oddly familiar feeling as I walked the grounds of this hotel. Why did I feel as if I’d been there? We had just made a pit stop on our 10 hour drive to visit Grant’s brother and his family. A potty break for little boys and stretching for mom. Now that I road trip as a lone parent and the only driver with 4 little boys, I like to take my time. I make lots of stops to enjoy the journey with boys, kind of like what I’m trying to do in life now anyway.
He Was Riding With Us
We promised them we’d take them to Disneyland. Grant, you’d never been so I wanted to take you too. We could go to Disneyland as a family we schemed, if we could read the scriptures together as a family and finish the whole book of Mormon. At our pace it’d take us about a year. We were close in February last year when my parents went. I wanted to go then. You said, “We haven’t finished yet.”
I See Your Beauty
I don’t know why but for some reason I have a constant desire to love. The kind of love that is unconditional. And I do. A lot of the time anyway. When I see you, I see what you’re becoming. I didn’t realize this until today. I was given such a beautiful day, and at the end of the day, I realized why this ordinary day was so beautiful. It’s because I don’t see people as they are right now.
Crumpled In Heaven’s Hand
It puzzles me as to why people think because I seem to look like I’m fine that I am indeed fine. When I converse with people, we talk about the weather, kids, the craziness of life with Covid and everything else. As if everything is normal and fine. I’m not fine.
Now Is My New Home
For too long I was looking for a home that doesn’t exist here. It’s the place where Grant is now. I had been alive, but longing to be somewhere else. A place I thought to be better than here. What I didn’t realize was how much of here I was missing, longing to be there. Now I see what I missed. I see it fully now, because part of it is lost to me. That’s a hard lesson to see what you had, only when it’s taken from you.
It’s So Good To Be Home
About 4 weeks before Grant died, he’d gotten into buying home décor for the new house. He loved those little decorative plaques with messages of cliché sayings. The ones that are true, and everybody knows them. They’re positive. When you see them, you think ahhh… yeah that’s so true. He bought several. Usually on a Walmart trip with the kids, so they weren't exactly designer quality, but they were really nice. I was impressed by the Walmart finds.
The 2nd Year Is Harder
Grant,
In 2 days it will be your birthday. You’d be 40, but you’re dead, so you won’t be. You stopped aging at 38. You managed to immortalize yourself in your youthfulness, before your age really started to show, before you were affected by all the life lessons and joys of growing older. Congratulations.
Brother Heroes
This picture makes me happy. I found it in my little boy’s closet. I don’t know where it came from. School is my guess. What this picture means to me is greater than words. These boys are smiling and goofing together. It shows togetherness. Two brothers who want to be together, play together, take pictures with funny faces together.
Grant’s Last Day Alive
It started like every other day of our lives. The ending was like no other day had been. I will never get the events of that night out of my head. I will never get the feelings of that day out of my heart. The day, it couldn't have been a more tender and sweet last day. Grant woke early and left around 6 am to go flying. He loved the morning flight time, just as the sun was rising and the heat hadn’t hit yet. It invigorated him.
Evidence of Them, Evidence of Him
Seems like a random picture right?! Let me explain why this picture is significant to me. It’s 12 am and I can’t sleep. My boys however, are thankfully all asleep. I relish the quiet of the house at this hour. It seems to energize me when I should be sleeping. Then, I hear Grant call, ‘Come outside.’ I think, ‘Of course you’re outside.’ That’s when I see this.
