Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
My Miracle
A few months after Grant died, I was on a road trip with the boys. We were going back to the home in St. George where we’d lived when he died. This was going to be the first time back since that happened. We had left shortly after his death because I couldn’t be there.
I Had A Thought
I had a thought. What if loving someone could actually help me in my life? It was a fleeting thought. For a moment, before it left my mind, I thought maybe it could possibly come true. What if it could be true?
I Love You
I’m standing in my bathroom, brushing my teeth. I think I’m alone and I feel alone. The kind of alone that feels lonely. I look toward the doorway and this little tiny human has appeared, startling me just a bit because he was so quiet.
Paradox
I look at my little boys. I want to give them everything I have. I want to always be there for them. Even though I know that’s impossible and ridiculous, I try. It’ll be three years in just a few months that their father, my husband and lover will have been gone. I continue to feel the loss.
Green Eyes
I recently read in a book that part of the alluring magic in classics like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings may be more real than we think. This author believes that she is learning to see it more and more. It's through the power of creation within.
Learning My Place
I’ve learned that ‘Love’ begins with me. And how I love, is on my terms…. and my love may not look the way you see love. It may not feel like love sometimes either; but I know what I’m giving. It may not be what you think love is; but I’m operating from the love within me.
Flowers Are a Metaphor
Flowers symbolize so many things; love and loss and sorry and congratulations. Which color and flower is given, how its sent and its scent, all telling a story. For instance what flowers smell like... Flowers smell like life, love, and death all at the same time to me.
Letting Go Of Expectations
Learning how to let go of expectations - especially positive outcomes - has completely transformed my life.
Giving Up Good
I used to obsess about the outcome of things in my life. I always wanted things to turn out “good.” I don’t believe in “good” or “bad” anymore. Sure I still use those words occasionally, but not in the same way or with the same belief that my experiences or outcomes are good or bad.
Love is a Wild Thing
Love is a wild thing. No really. A WILD THING. It’s amusing to me how it seems that so few people really understand something we are all continually seeking to find. A desire so dear and tender to the heart; love, acceptance, belonging, hope, in a relationship with another… Love.
Empty Space
A few months ago, I had another little awakening. I had a small trauma that caused me to look at my life again in a way that invited me to question, what am I doing? The trauma wasn’t anything big, it was a simple conversation. It invoked so many emotions and sadness.
I’m Having a Baby
No, not me, I’m not having a baby. I saw a friend's pregnancy announcement on Facebook. It happens all the time. I just happened to notice this one. What affected me about this one is that she is my same age. We started having kids around the same time and she’s still married to her same husband.
In Baby Words
Just about a week after Grant died, I took the boys back to our previous home. The home we had just moved from 6 months earlier. We had the funeral near there. We were back in our old house. As I’ve looked back, I found something I wrote about that first week.
That Beard, Well Goatee…
I laughed when I saw this picture recently. Mostly because the baby is looking at daddy’s belly button with so much inquisitive curiosity. It's like it’s the best thing he’s found so far. It makes me smile. I didn’t notice what he was looking at with such joy when I took the picture.
Tired and Worn Out Cozy and Safe
I feel so tired. And I’m so blessed, I know. I know how blessed I am as I sit here, in my exhaustion, wrapped up in a cozy warm blanket looking at the fire and watching a historical movie about Pearl Harbor with my son.
Epic Dad
As I’m going through more and more processing, not just my emotions but stuff around my house, I again go through things. Processing and going through boxes really are one and same in so many ways. Upon opening yet a few more forgotten boxes from our move last year, I found these little boys t-shirts that said “I have an Epic Dad.”
Grant’s Birthday
This picture is a screen shot from the video of Grant’s last birthday. He turned 38 in this picture. We had just finished singing Happy Birthday and our son added the part that goes… “ and many more of them too… and many more of them too… and many more happy birthdays, many more of them too!”
Still Around, Not Ready to Leave
I keep thinking this morning about that last hug from Grant. I remember the way his arms held me and how prominent his body was. Well, not his body, but his presence. His body was gone.
