Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Lonely, But Not Alone
Loneliness doesn’t come from just being alone. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. You can be alone and not feel lonely at all. So far, I’ve kept myself as far as possible from feeling lonely. I have 4 kids, so I’m always surrounded, that helps a lot. I’ve taken on project after project, most out of necessity, but nonetheless willingly because they keep my busy. With my mind occupied my heart doesn’t have much space to feel, or heal for that matter.
Date Night
How do you keep something alive? You care for and nourish it of course. If you want the love you feel to live and grow, you nourish it. If you love, that’s natural to want to keep the love alive. Love is a living, changing entity. Our marriage was a living thing. We nourished it. The entity of our marriage was a living breathing existence of energy that, when loved itself, would give both of us life, or, when neglected, would steal life force from each of us.
Heart Expansion
What is a Broken Heart? I remember the first time I had a broken heart. When I really felt pain inside my heart. It was mild compared to what I’ve felt since then, but I didn’t know that yet. It felt like my world had ended.
Hearts Everywhere
I see hearts everywhere now. WHY? Well, as I walked away from the site where Grant crashed, Grant told me he’d send me hearts so I’d know he was watching over me. He wanted me to know he was still loving me, even now that he’s not in this place where I am. “Every time you see a heart, it’s from me,” were the words that came into my heart and mind from him while I was visiting the site of his last place alive and first place dead.
Sacred Space
Six days after Grant died - family, a couple friends and I hiked to the crash site. The place of his final moments on earth. The last place he touched as a living person before the impact of that touch changed him from a physically alive living person to a physically dead living person. The site is in the middle of nowhere.
Did You Know That Picture Was For Your Funeral?
He took this picture after his last haircut. He sent it to me to show off how clean cut and handsome he thought he looked with a new haircut. He got his haircut every six weeks, on the dot. If it went past six weeks, he’d complain incessantly till he got it cut. I knew of his schedule. I was gone for this hair cut, so he sent me a photo. He was so proud to stay right on schedule.
Finding Grant
It was just after 11:30 now. I’d called the police, I’d given them the description and GPS location. Now I was just waiting. I sat in my bed pondering, “What is this?” It felt big. That’s why and when I finally texted Grant’s family. Even though I did that, it was to include them in our experience, the reality wasn’t there in me. It hadn’t hit me yet. I just knew there was some story, some explanation that would make it all make sense like everything that had happened to us in the past. Somehow, something, someone would make it all better and okay.
My First Angel Picture
You can believe everything is a miracle or nothing is a miracle. I see everything as a miracle. A little baby finds a flower perfectly formed and picks it to show mommy its beauty. Look at this! He’s seeing it for the first time in awe. And his impulse is to share it with the one he loves. That’s a miracle. And his face, that reveals what he sees as a miracle. Remember that everything can be a miracle if you want to see it that way. That’s how you get to choose.
Dreams Come True
I had a dream. I saw myself running up a mountain directly from my backyard. I didn’t want to have to hike to the mountain or to run to it or to drive to it or to even walk to it. I wanted to exit my back door, look up and start going up. If I had that mountain, I’d do that every day. It would be my workout too. I would go up as fast as I could. I’d go up that mountain with my heart leading me all the way.
Powerful You
Imagine with me an alternate place…
A place that knows and reveals ALL things both in heaven and on earth and in the human heart as well. Would you want to be around or near this place? Would you dare to? Would you believe it was real? Would you want to know where this place is? I would!
Choice And Change
I moved again. In this last year I’ve moved my children twice. Once to get away from the place Grant died. The second time to get away from the place Grant lived. Both places are not where I can be free to move forward. So, right now as I write this, I’m sitting in the house I just bought all by myself. Alone, just me.
Christmas Present
Being Present. That is the best Gift you can give. Ever. I know. I remember the times I wasn’t present while Grant was alive. Now he’s gone and I wish I could go back and relish those moments I didn’t cherish in the moment, not knowing that they would end. Then, I was unconsciously feeling that not every moment mattered, taking them for granted, taking so much for granted. When I say that now I laugh. Such a potent reminder now, I’ve lost what I took for GRANTed. It’s gone. He’s gone.
The Last Cup
We have a daily routine. I’ve maintained it for years. We drink a glass of celery juice to start the day, most mornings anyway. I’m not perfect ok? Then we have smoothies. I put them in glass jars because I like the way they taste in glass. It’s fresher and feels more authentic to the flavor of what’s in there. Glass also seems to preserve the juice longer.
The Blind Fight
My new bedroom in my new house in my new life is finished. Finished enough for me to sleep there. I moved my bed from the make-shift bedroom I was using that’s really my small office. I’ve been sleeping in my small office for 3 months. We finally got the new carpet for the new house I just bought. This house that I live in now because I couldn’t live in Grant’s house anymore.
I Couldn’t Get Out of Bed
What caught my attention today, were the toys of our little boy. He brought up all his toys so he could play with them in my newly finished room. Now that I’m here, the kids are drawn to this space. Wherever I go, they follow. I can just sit somewhere and pretty soon, all 4 of our children have gathered.
Back To A Place We’d Been Before
I had an oddly familiar feeling as I walked the grounds of this hotel. Why did I feel as if I’d been there? We had just made a pit stop on our 10 hour drive to visit Grant’s brother and his family. A potty break for little boys and stretching for mom. Now that I road trip as a lone parent and the only driver with 4 little boys, I like to take my time. I make lots of stops to enjoy the journey with boys, kind of like what I’m trying to do in life now anyway.
He Was Riding With Us
We promised them we’d take them to Disneyland. Grant, you’d never been so I wanted to take you too. We could go to Disneyland as a family we schemed, if we could read the scriptures together as a family and finish the whole book of Mormon. At our pace it’d take us about a year. We were close in February last year when my parents went. I wanted to go then. You said, “We haven’t finished yet.”
I See Your Beauty
I don’t know why but for some reason I have a constant desire to love. The kind of love that is unconditional. And I do. A lot of the time anyway. When I see you, I see what you’re becoming. I didn’t realize this until today. I was given such a beautiful day, and at the end of the day, I realized why this ordinary day was so beautiful. It’s because I don’t see people as they are right now.
Crumpled In Heaven’s Hand
It puzzles me as to why people think because I seem to look like I’m fine that I am indeed fine. When I converse with people, we talk about the weather, kids, the craziness of life with Covid and everything else. As if everything is normal and fine. I’m not fine.
