Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
I Am A Woman
I am grateful to be a woman. Yes, I love chocolate. I can be moody and I definitely have scuffs on my wheels from just barely miscalculating that curb… and really, that is not just a woman thing… let’s be honest now, men do it just as often.
He Died Doing What He Loved
I remember we got so many sympathy cards the week Grant died. It’s a beautiful thing for someone to send a card, but in the wake of the death of your husband with 4 small children still around, alive and now without dad; the last thing you want is any mail to open. Every letter, every card is a reminder of what just happened.
Stop Waiting
I have some quiet time, but I never know how much. I’m sitting here in my office, the one I designed. Many things I could/should be doing, but I sit here. I have a few minutes of precious quiet time with nothing to distract or interrupt.
I Tried Making Cookies
See that boy? That smile on his face while frosting cookies? It’s priceless!
They look like gingerbread or chocolate cookies right? No… those are sugar cookies. Why are they black you might ask? Well… that was my attempt at being domestic again. Yes, after all this time, I’m still not really sure how my family has stayed fed. We have somehow.
Angel Blessings
I can hear his laugh when I look at this picture. A squeal and a deep belly laugh all mixed into one. And those missing teeth… wow! It’s a moment to capture. With those 2 missing front teeth and an extra tooth next to the one that came out… well that smile… it says it all.
The Secret To Beauty
What is beauty anyway? It’s said that inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. It is but that’s so easy to say. What does it mean?
Stop To Create More
I know a man who doesn’t believe in God. There is no life after this one in his mind. I’ve come to a different conclusion, I’ve experienced life after this one, not myself, but through death, Grant’s death.
Beautiful Alternate Reality
There’s a mother I know, she’s not what the world would consider beautiful on the outside. She’s pale, overweight, stressed, she struggles in her marriage and you can see hurt in her eyes when she looks up and tries to smile. She believes in God, but feels like she’s not good enough for God’s standard, so her light dims. I can see the heavens shed a tear in the moment that the beauty of her life is missed.
A. D.
When I think back on when a certain event occurred sometime in the past, I think, was Grant alive or dead then? Oh that's when he was alive, so it must have been around this time. Or, oh Grant was dead when we did that. Now our life timeline is separated into before Grant died and after his death. After death, A.D.
Eyes Tell the Story of Experience
When I look at pictures of my boys, I look at their eyes. I see their innocence. In the eyes one can see all what’s going on in the soul. I always seen a sense of naivety appropriate to their age. Its part of what adults cherish in the eyes of children. The naivety comes with not knowing the pain of loss, loss that ultimately happens in life if you are in it for very long.
I Remember He Wasn’t There
Grant was in Salt Lake, the place he chose to leave. I was in Hurricane where he had moved our family, in the beautiful red rocks of Southern Utah. He went back for SIV training. It’s advanced paragliding training. It’s the kind of training that’s supposed to give him extra refined skills and time to practice those skills needed in an emergency. The kind of skills that should save your life in an emergency. The kind of skills that should make it so you don’t die paragliding. He took that training 6 weeks before he died.
I Finally Took Off My Wedding Ring
Both of our wedding rings sit in a box under my bathroom counter by the lotion, the sunscreen and the mouthwash. When my husband died, I looked at my left hand with the ring on it. I’ll never take this off, I thought. I’m still married. After 2 months of doing his jobs and mine and grieving it all; I looked at my left hand and the ring on it and thought, he’s not here, this is a lie.
Lonely, But Not Alone
Loneliness doesn’t come from just being alone. You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely. You can be alone and not feel lonely at all. So far, I’ve kept myself as far as possible from feeling lonely. I have 4 kids, so I’m always surrounded, that helps a lot. I’ve taken on project after project, most out of necessity, but nonetheless willingly because they keep my busy. With my mind occupied my heart doesn’t have much space to feel, or heal for that matter.
Date Night
How do you keep something alive? You care for and nourish it of course. If you want the love you feel to live and grow, you nourish it. If you love, that’s natural to want to keep the love alive. Love is a living, changing entity. Our marriage was a living thing. We nourished it. The entity of our marriage was a living breathing existence of energy that, when loved itself, would give both of us life, or, when neglected, would steal life force from each of us.
Heart Expansion
What is a Broken Heart? I remember the first time I had a broken heart. When I really felt pain inside my heart. It was mild compared to what I’ve felt since then, but I didn’t know that yet. It felt like my world had ended.
Hearts Everywhere
I see hearts everywhere now. WHY? Well, as I walked away from the site where Grant crashed, Grant told me he’d send me hearts so I’d know he was watching over me. He wanted me to know he was still loving me, even now that he’s not in this place where I am. “Every time you see a heart, it’s from me,” were the words that came into my heart and mind from him while I was visiting the site of his last place alive and first place dead.
Sacred Space
Six days after Grant died - family, a couple friends and I hiked to the crash site. The place of his final moments on earth. The last place he touched as a living person before the impact of that touch changed him from a physically alive living person to a physically dead living person. The site is in the middle of nowhere.
Did You Know That Picture Was For Your Funeral?
He took this picture after his last haircut. He sent it to me to show off how clean cut and handsome he thought he looked with a new haircut. He got his haircut every six weeks, on the dot. If it went past six weeks, he’d complain incessantly till he got it cut. I knew of his schedule. I was gone for this hair cut, so he sent me a photo. He was so proud to stay right on schedule.
I Saw A Flash of Movement
I saw a flash of movement. It was fast and it was dark. My oldest boy had just taken off on the one-wheel. I instinctively knew he was headed to the park. Anger flashed in my heart as I saw him fly down the street. He wasn’t wearing a helmet. It was dark. He was not wearing pants.
